Category: Parenting Styles

I In our pre-adoption assessment interviews, I asked the social worker contracted to assess our preparedness for adoption if I should stop taking birth control pills. That she jumped on the question with a fair degree of horror in her voice has stayed with me. “Absolutely not!” or words to that effect. “This child is going to need your undivided attention”.  Whether because our 55 minutes were up or because my mind was slow to register her response, I did not ask why.

Yet Good Enough Parenting’s baseline seems to be that parenting occupies only a third of the influence on a child’s life, once the constant needs of infancy are passed. But before I get into Tronick’s ‘Rule of Thirds’ I need to back track to D. W. Winnicott who gave parents permission to slow down to ‘Good Enough’, saying that meeting a child’s needs about 30% of the time is good enough and promises the child the opportunity to grow in self-discovery and self-reliance[i]. 

Tronick’s ‘Rule of Thirds’ says, contrary to images they may have of themselves, in healthy child-parent relationships, parents are perfectly in tune with the child around a third of the time. Another third of the time, parents struggle to work out what is wrong with their child and so are unable to meet their needs. This might be when kids are angry or crying and we don’t seem to understand why, and so they must soothe themselves and recover on their own. The final third of the time, which Tronick judged to be the most important for creating healthy attachment, is when parents are not initially in tune with their children’s needs but work to become attuned. This experience provides a safe experience of distress and resolution, which promotes general resilience demonstrating that imperfect parenting is better for kids….[ii]

Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books gave me a concept in two words – ‘essential paradoxes’.[iii]  Paradoxes, combining seemingly contradictory features to reveal truth, coupled with the qualifier ‘essential’, are popping up like wild daisies everywhere in my meadow. Popping up like that, these little daisies make what feels to me like tectonic shifts. I know very little about tectonic shifts but if what I do know is correct, my brain, post-tectonic eruption, is settling into whole new paradigms.

In the realm of parenting, one of those ‘essential paradoxes’ we live with comfortably or otherwise, might be the need to shift perspectives on Authoritarian, Neglectful, Permissive and Authoritative Parenting styles.  On paper, the directions for parenting are printed in black and white but get a bit more smudgy in the real world, the messiness of life. Maybe just a little of each parenting style shaken together is good enough parenting.

Perhaps we start as amazing Authoritative parents with momentary lapses into Neglectful and Permissive. When our child gets that teen blast of neuronal development and hormones, at times we lose control and explode into Authoritarian mode in attempts to retain control. Top all this with moments when one parent flips to the page on Permissive parenting and the other parent says, “Nope, it has to be the page on Authoritative parenting”. As they argue, the crow flying over their heads caws, “Imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome.” (I guess the couple are sitting outside in their hot tub playing tug of war). The couple hear that irritating crow enforcing unwanted thoughts about the everyday insecurities of doing parenting right, measuring themselves against the Jones next door with their picture-perfect family. (Full disclosure on my own parental skills, I failed Child Care 12 because I couldn’t knit around the corner of a baby bonnet and never thought to get my mother to do it for me, like others did).

Somewhere I read that if we sculk about as imposters, we cannot love ourselves, and if we cannot love ourselves, we cannot adequately love another. Groan, what does that mean? How do we measure if we love ourselves?  How does this uncertainty play out in our attunement with our child?

Brené Brown says … there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves…. It is clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.[iv]

The way this quote is phrased, it seems to me, she is suggesting loving ourselves is a journey.

Perhaps then, even before we apply Tronick’s ‘Rule of Thirds’ to parenting, to be good enough parents, we must apply it to ourselves. Over a lifetime, in the realm of that catch-all, the ‘biopsychosocial’ framework, we are, at times, in tune with our own needs to respect/love/care for ourselves. For any number of reasons, we are not in tune with our selves at other times, but again over a lifetime, we work at becoming attuned to our needs to care for ourselves.

Honing in now how Tronick’s ‘Rule of Thirds’ might apply to adoption, I will look how the imposter blight may fester with adopters. They may be harbouring a wiggly little worm drilling holes in the certainty of their right to be legitimate parents of their ‘forever’ child, however they shield themselves with what at times sounds like a desperate affirmation. In the dream I had decades earlier, I am running with this little boy I believed to be mine from pursuers determined to take him from me because, I guess in their minds, I was not the legitimate mother of this little blondie.  

In adoption story after story, it is those feelings which may sometimes be closely examined or tentatively hinted at, or at other times, outright denied. You will find stories of people who want everyone to believe, sometimes quite aggressively, the child they adopted was fully, and only ever, their god-given child. You will find books by people whose adoption experience ignited in them questions that led to academic research. You will find memoirs in which people circle their experiences as they learn to cope with what Hope and Help For Your Nerves, terms ‘fear of the fear’.[v]

Some of this insecurity is stirred up when here and there we come across stories: we read that Joanie Mitchell found the daughter she gave up at birth in favour of her career.  There was no ‘breaking news’ cast for the baby girl’s adoption, only a shroud of secrecy.  But now the world had righted itself again and we were happy to hear Joan Mitchell has found her long lost daughter. In memoir after memoir, reality show after reality show, the big news is the reunion of birth parents with an adoptee.  The adopters, while given a quick, little and hopefully reassuring hug, with the promise “You will always be ___’s ‘real’ mom and dad”, are then often written out of the script.

Some of the insecurity comes from seeing obvious nature and nurture differences. Some insecurity comes from awareness of the adoptee’s sense of confused identity.

I have been mulling this feeling of insecurity as an adopter for a long time.  My thoughts, standing before me like some security gorilla at a bar, arms crossed over a ridiculously bloated chest, have demanded I read beyond the sweet adoption stories to find a checklist against which I can determine if good enough is not just the most realistic, but actually the best parenting style for our child.

Adoption as family must begin on an accepted understanding that it is simply a different kind of family. It is then easier to see that the family is not an imposter concept of family.  It is different but no less good enough. The parents are in a relationship different than that the dynamics of family in which all are biologically related.  It is not imposter; it is different in its origins.

If we are his parents, are we good enough if he became ours through adoption and we parented him in a manner that was in tune sometimes, absolutely not in tune at others, but striving to become in tune?

30% in tune

Because Yasik as an older adoptee came to us just weeks before kindergarten, play with friends took up a good portion of each day. Influencing only 30% of his life was a given.

Against that 30% opportunity, were Dave and I sometimes “perfectly in tune” with Yasik? I can only judge our attunement with Yasik through to his teen years by the cuddles, laughter, turning to us in stress, sharing fun times that were woven into my memory and journal. Playing soccer or hide and seek with the dog, building rafts, camping and beach memories. Dragging us through low bush to show us a treasure he’d found, an old car battery. Yelling and laughing together with Dave while battling it out on the computer. Working with me to help beached salmon get on with their trip upstream. Confiding with us about a girl and wanting us to rate her as highly as he did. 

30% not in tune

In an earlier post I shared the night I dressed Yasik for bed. I didn’t have a clean set of PJs ready for him so I put him in trunks.  He started to sob into my chest. He didn’t have the language to tell me what was troubling him. Moments later Dave came in and without language was yet immediately aware that Yasik wanted a T-shirt top too.

Yasik was working on the spelling of the week and Dave, the parent preparing his young son for the future and trying to make sense of spelling drills, told him this was just the beginning.  Yasik needed to learn these words so he would be able to read and write them and go on to more and more spelling. It never stops.  Yasik laid his head down and wailed.

Another time, Yasik brought home a note from the teacher. It said, “Yasik has been very uncooperative today”.  Dave told Yasik he would only punish him for not telling Dave what had happened, not for what Yasik had done.  Yasik asked, “Even if it was nasty?”

He went on to tell Dave that “the teacher was making me read something over and over and I just didn’t want to read it over and over. I didn’t say anything bad. I just didn’t read.”

The journal doesn’t offer Dave or my response to that day maybe because it was still so fresh in our memories how much we felt for Yasik in that situation. The journal does however note how often we felt we didn’t know what we were doing nor were we there for Yasik. We were parents[who] struggle to work out what is wrong with their child and so are unable to meet their need.

What strikes me about Edward Tronick’s second ‘third’ is that there is a sort of dusting off of the hands, with a ‘Well that’s that. It is what it is.’, no reparations possible here, justifiably or otherwise.  We could be there to read to Yasik at night and practice reading with Yasik as homework helpers, but I was at work, not home-schooling, and Dave was at school or work. And that is actually the way life works. Child at school under the supervision of others for 3 to 7 hours each week day, parents elsewhere. As I have already written in Defining and Distilling Neglectful/Uninvolved Parenting the female judge in Scott Turow’s novel is being pressured by her daughter to be allowed to stay home from school.  She is a busy judge starting a high-profile case so she cajoles, threatens, manipulates and promises future impossible temptations. Someday, I always promise, it will be as she asks…. But not, of course, today. Today there is duty…. I must go off to my other world….[vi]

Even if we had home-schooled, our child would have been in dreamland for at least 1/3 of the 24 hours each day offers.  If he had a bad dream we might have taken him into our bed or comforted him but if he flailed about and we were needing what sleep we could scrape out of that night to meet the demands of the day to come, we may have said, “Enough now, off to your own bed”. The unexpected may have come up and we didn’t pick him up on time from school; he had to deal with a few scary moments of ‘Where are they?’. If he was too short for the school toilets, we weren’t there to help him figure out how best to pee.  Other times we simply made the wrong parenting choice and it was irreversible. I was country at heart, not urban, and had this fantasy that Yasik too would have a much richer life in a rural setting. Just as he finished elementary school and was about to enter middle school, we sold the first home our child had become attached to, a child who had spent his first year with unstable parents, then a year and a half in a hospital and 2 years in an orphanage before moving into a new country, new family, new friends and new routine, with the new family at his side about a third of the time.  A Google quickie says that the disruption of moving is one of the 5 major stress events in a child’s life.  The only argument Yasik could come up with to show us he was worried about moving was to remind us that this home he definitely didn’t want to leave had the attraction of being right next to a major thoroughfare, “We get to see accidents here.”

We moved to a new neighbourhood, one where most of the kids on the block had long established relationships.  Our adult to-do list didn’t include helping him negotiate a new social structure. Yasik’s yelling and door slamming we too easily translated as another message. I write at one juncture: trying to stay on top of things but it feels like we never quite do.

30% working to get in tune

In the last-minute rush to get him off to school one morning, I wanted to check that he was ready for spelling. ‘Lost’ flashed a neon warning light across his face. I stopped, called him to me, held him, fighting tears and said we will go over them together. He lay against me, not holding back at all and then spelled them all well. This from a kid who was still struggling with language.  Another night Yasik and I were saying good night to ‘Dear God’. I said, “Thanks for helping Yasik with his spelling”, and he pipes in, “I got them all right God”.

There was one nice plus in the move to the country, a very big hot tub. Though I have noted often enough, not only because that damn crow was relentless, but because it was actually a fact, Dave and I were aware from time to time that we were not yet ready to write a self-help on parenting. And so we conferenced at the end of the day in that relaxing tub – arguing heartily for varying positions.  Yasik’s early forays into the world of girl-boy were, as I have said before, well out of my personal experience and maybe not well-exampled by Dave’s experiences. Or were they? His mother would show up at a party and drag him out.

We were savvy enough to understand that some of what we were dealing with was transitioning to the teenage brain. Though Yasik had new curiosities igniting his neurons, those neurons may not yet have found the best synapse or were still in need of a few years of pruning. What do teens do with sensations of independence they don’t really understand but test out? They sometimes get frustrated when the results aren’t great.  Yasik would pull out these cool words to spit at us when he was angry at some thwarting. A moment later we would see the tiniest bit of uncertainty as he watched for the results, even some surprise and definite discomfort. Oh, that didn’t go well.  He was a kid working on the sensations of growing up. Our role, when we could or were up to it, was to handle this experimenting with care. As Dave said to me, and I knew to be true of my own parents, “I knew my mother loved me but she didn’t always know how”.

That old hot tub witnessed more than one session with parents who dearly loved their son and though not always initially in tune with his needs, worked to become attuned.

Footnotes

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[i] https://www.ellisnicolson.com/blog/being-a-good-enough-mother-and-the-myth-of-perfection/

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/good-enough-parenting

[ii] Johnson, Pip, MPsych, PsyBA-Clin. Psych “Good Enough Parenting” 
Forest for the Trees   August 6, 2021

Good Enough Parenting

[iii] Nafisi, Azar   Reading Lolita in Tehran: a memoir in books Random House, 2003, 86

[iv] Brown, I Brené     The Gifts of Imperfection Hazelden Publishing, 2020, xxiv, xxv

[v] Weekes, Dr. Claire   Hope and Help For Your Nerves 1969

[vi] Turow, Scott   The Laws of Our Fathers   1996, 66

I

Defining Authoritative Parenting

Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to underline the following characteristics you identify in the narrative.

Δ   Warm/ High Responsiveness/Nurturing

Supportive, in a secure environment, openly affectionate, with a hands-on approach, valuing open and frequent communication in an egalitarian partnership. Discussing decisions, listening and taking into consideration the children’s thoughts, feeling and opinions before making decisions that affect the children. Allowing kids to explore with positive reinforcement to encourage confidence, assisting them in resolving problems, recognizing that independence should increase with age.

Δ   Demanding/High Demandingness/Tough but Fair

Assertive, firm but clear, with realistic boundaries set by the parents, teaching them to regulate themselves, consistently guiding them to learn from their mistakes, with achievable and clearly explained regulations and goals. Discipline is not harsh and control is moderate, with the aim of guidance. Offering freedom to make mistakes without judgement, allowing natural consequences to occur and guiding the children through the consequences.[i]

Distilling Authoritative Parenting

Michaeleen Doucleff’s interpretation of Authoritative Parenting stresses the importance of holding to both sides of the definition.

…. From what I could tell authoritative meant being both “firm and kind.[ii]

Tania Johnson and Tammy Schamuhn offer some age-appropriate ways to encouraging the growth of resilience:

Ages 5-7 Games that involve strategy, physical activities that require attention, fast-moving ball games, guessing games, imaginary play.

Ages 8-12 Organized sports, games that require attention[iii]

To teach children to develop resilience that allows them to stay positive amid challenges and learn from their failures, avoid the following phrases.

1. ‘Calm down!’

2. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ Instead ask them what they can do about whatever is worrying them.

3. ‘You’ll do fine.’ Because you don’t really know it all will be well, rather encourage them to do their best and then deal with whatever the result is.  

4. ‘Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again.’

5. ‘You’re the best!’ Praise children for their process.

6. ‘That’s perfect!’ Again, “praise their effort, rather than the outcome.”   

7. ‘You’re making me mad.’ Rather, teach them to think about how to control their own thoughts, feelings, or actions in frustrating situations.[iv]

Sonia, a single mother of three tended to over compensate by doing more for her children than might have been good for their individual journeys to self-sufficiency. She needed to let them do for themselves what they can do for themselves …. even what they can almost do, perhaps initially showing them how, providing support or doing it together as necessary and then let them at it.[v]

Headlining with questions, Gwen Dewar defines Authoritative Parenting as combining warmth with setting limits leading to successful outcomes in child-raising, a middle path between Authoritarian and Permissive.

Authoritative parents want kids to develop self-discipline, maturity, and a respect for others.

She also asks the question I ask: is it possible to be a purist authoritative parent in every situation?

Dewar reminds the reader that, although it is important to remember that one size does not fit all, in studies across cultures,one point remained consistent with Authoritative parenting: [w]hen their children misbehaved, they talked with them, and explained the reasons for the rules to think – constructively and non-selfishly – about how their behavior affects others.[vi]

Pooja Sardana became concerned as she dealt with a son moving through his childhood with ever more effective manipulations starting with tantrums, then employing cuteness tactics. By the time he reached the end of his first decade he was attempting intellectual argument to get what he wanted whether it crossed others’ boundaries or not. She directs readers to

Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different — And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men as a guide.[vii]

Julie Lythcott-Haims, as a dean of freshmen at Stanford University has lots of examples of students not yet ready for the independence of college. She suggests parents start when their children are young with the things that can be expected of children at each age level: ages 2-3 – basic chores and grooming, 4-5 – important names and numbers and safety skills, 6-7 – basic cooking, 8-9 – pride in personal belongings, 10-13- becoming independent like being able to stay at home alone, 14-18 – more advanced skills in cleaning, car maintenance, handling prescriptions, job interviews and cooking full meals. Do so with support.

She advises parents to notice who their children are, what they love and are good at, not what the parents love, are good at or think is the best path for their children. Know when to push forward, when to pull back. Prepare them for hard work. Don’t do too much for them.[viii]

Anita Febiyanti and Yeni Rachmawat stress that parenting styles are impacted by cultural context: individualist and collectivist cultures. Are the children always more successful, reliable and responsible in an authoritative environment? It may depend on how children understand themselves in relation to the society they live in. In an individualist culture, the values are emotional independence, assertiveness, autonomy, and the need for privacy.  Parents negotiate; strong control is not acceptable.  In a collectivist culture children have cultural values where the people are attached to a strong bond and every individual is obligated to maintain group loyalty and focus on the communities in which they live…. [prioritizing] socialization, obedience, security, and family integrity. Parents are strict, with rules and warnings.[ix]

The book,Fantastic Antoine Succeeds: experiences in educating children with fetal alcohol syndrome, begins by clarifying that rich, open, unstructured parenting is not the best for FAS/FAE children.[x]

Specific To Adoption           

Deborah Gray endorses high structure and high nurture for adoptees because she says that most parents of adoptees are parenting kids who are emotionally younger than their chronological ages … Recognizing that children have missed dependable nurture, parents are supplying what was missed.

Gray cites parents, who with lots of hugs, first explained to their children and then expected from the children that they must stay close to them until they understood who they were attached to now that they belonged to a family. And until they understood where the sadness within comes from, not from lack of love in the adoptive family nor a lack of material things or food, but from past grief their now family would be seeking to help them deal with the grief by offering nurture and guidelines. This book ENDORSES hugs, snuggles, and kisses.[xi]

Rachel Staff brings forward the same point regarding focusing on the developmental age rather than the chronological age of an adoptee.  They need to be in a safe, structured and nurturing environment, with high structure, high nurture.[xii]

Methods Of Care For Children Living In Orphanages In Saudi Arabia (An Exploratory Field Study) demonstrates that interest in care of orphans/adoptees is global.  Saudi Arabia is trying for healthy parenting styles for the children in their care in orphanages by treating them with: attention vs. non-attention, equality vs. discrimination, kindness vs. cruelty, acceptance vs. rejection and democracy vs. authoritarianism.

These children live together in a home with one caregiver in shift rotation with the intention of providing an environment of more intimate, safe, loving care guiding the child into adulthood. The caregivers usually have sufficient life experience or a mother’s (caregiver’s) instincts and emotions in dealing with children.[xiii]

Some of the key themes to be aware of when seeking to be both high in responsiveness and high in demandingness: Loss, Rejection, Guilt/Shame, Grief, Identity, Intimacy, Mastery and Control[xiv]

Barbara Cummins Tantrum offers guidance when parenting a traumatized foster or adopted child.  Come into the relationship seeking to avoid power struggles, even if the child is using lying as self-protection.  As do most authors I have read on this subject, Tantrum also advocates for routine, reflective listening in whatever way allows children to trust they are being heard, and going into calm mode first before engaging with traumatized children.[xv]

Scott Simon is for affirming that adopters offer the best support to their children not by avoiding/dismissing struggles but rather helping their children learn from their struggles.[xvi]

Dr. Bruce Perry provides an example of a child who was not at his chronological age when he was adopted.  Dr. Perry describes this developmental delay as splintered development due to deprivation/lack of stimulation of some brain regions. With this explanation, Dr. Perry aimed to reduce the parents’ fears that they were ‘babying’ him.

Dr. Perry seems to be saying ‘babying’ may be just what the doctor is ordering. Perry tells us about a foster mother who babied children who had experienced trauma and were not at their chronological ages.  She believed in holding them and rocking them long after they had left infancy.

These children had never received the repeated, patterned physical nurturing needed to develop a well-regulated and responses stress response system. They had never learned that they were loved and safe; … A foundational principle of brain development is that neural systems organize and become functional in a sequential manner.[xvii]

Dr. Perry finishes off with: or had not yet received enough stimulation to make up for the earlier neglect. I appreciate and find hope in the phrase ‘or had not yet’.

“What Type of Parent are You? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles Behind The Decisions You Make” rounds off the Resources section with baseline and pragmatic information. Most parents will get their guidance from family, friends and professionals to recognizing that parents’ parenting practices, dipping here and there as needs arise. The writer/s ask parents to ask themselves both what values guide them and what goals direct them.  They understand that these guiding principles are impacted both by internal direction as well as by how they want to be seen as parents.

Making daily or making more over-reaching parenting moves will be considering genetic influences, social environment, parental income level, parental education level, the number of active/engaged parental figures and the developmental and/or physical needs of the child and cultural values.[xviii]

Dr. Letourneau offers a questionnaire you might check out. Dr. Letourneau takes parents from this questionnaire to the tennis metaphor of serve and return to encourage parents, when the child seeks their engagement, to come back with a response, rather than ignoring the child’s overture, whether to get put to bed, or to laugh together over something that amuses the child.[xix]

And then there is this

Here is a situational irony: While anyone can see Authoritative Parenting is Goldilocks’s choice, the one any loving parents who love their children would choose.  Yet, I, who loves my son, find myself the least engaged in studying it.  Either because I have an ingrained suspicion of anyone’s capacity to be this good in their relationship to their children; or because I am jealous of those who can jump out of bed each morning and maintain Authoritative Parenting for the 16 hours of that day. Or I am making too much of what I read of this style; or I just wish I had known more about it and engaged with it more than I did. 

Really don’t know.  I do know that the conversation we should have had with Yasik about whether to move to the country or stay in the neighbourhood he had grown up in we did not think was necessary to share with him.  Our parents never asked our opinion about moving; that was not considered our business. One particular move our parents made got me off a path to problems but set my brother on a path in the other direction.[xx]

One last thought to cover a multitude of sins: some writer among the above ended with: be sure to give yourself grace when you make mistakes, too.

Footnotes

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[i] https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html

https://www.verywellmind.com/parenting-styles-2795072

https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/authoritative-parenting-the-pros-and-cons-according-to-a-child-psychologist

https://www.healthshots.com/mind/emotional-health/authoritative-parenting-benefits-side-effects

https://positivepsychology.com/authoritative-parenting

https://www.joonapp.io/post/what-is-authoritative-parenting-and-is-it-right-for-you

https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style

https://psychcentral.com/health/authoritative-parenting

[ii] Doucleff, Michaeleen. Hunt, Gather, Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, healthy little humans.   Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster, 2022, 2, 3, 198-200

[iii] Johnson, Tania, R. Psych, and Tammy Schamuhn, R. Psych. The parenting handbook: your guide to raising resilient children Barlow Books, 2024, 26, 27

[iv] Huddleston, Tom Jr “Parents who raise mentally strong kids never use these 7 phrases when their children are young” Apr 16 2023 

https://www.cnbc.com/2023/04/16/parents-who-raise-mentally-strong-kids-never-use-these-phrases-says-psychotherapist.html

[v] Pressman, Dr. Aliza. The 5 Principles of Parenting: your essential guide to raising good humans   Simon Element, 2024, 34-36

[vi] Dewar, Gwen. Ph.D. “The authoritative parenting style: An evidence-based guide”2010 – 2024 

https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/parenting-styles

Echedom, Anthonia U. (Ph.D), Tochukwu Victor Nwankwo & Evangeline U. Nwankwo.  “Influence of Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and the Uninvolved Parenting Styles on the Reading Attitudes of Students in Anambra State, Nigeria”  Journal of Library and Information Sciences December 2018, Vol. 6, No. 2, pp. 1-25 ISSN 2374-2372 (Print) 2374-2364 (Online) DOI: 10.15640/jlis.v6n2a1 https://doi.org/10.15640/jlis.v6n2a1

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Tochukwu-Nwankwo/publication/330076069_Influence_of_Authoritative_Authoritarian_Permissive_and_the_Uninvolved_Parenting_Styles_on_the_Reading_Attitudes_of_Students_in_Anambra_State_Nigeria/links/5c2bdae6299bf12be3a7223a/Influence-of-Authoritative-Authoritarian-Permissive-and-the-Uninvolved-Parenting-Styles-on-the-Reading-Attitudes-of-Students-in-Anambra-State-Nigeria.pdf

Johnson, Tania, R. Psych and Tammy Schamuhn, R. Psych.  The Parenting Handbook: your guide to raising resilient children. Barlow Books, 2024

[vii] Sardana, Pooja. “How to raise a boy: The first lesson on boundaries starts with the mum — and it’s best drawn as early as possible” Nov 19, 2024 https://indianexpress.com/article/opinion/columns/how-to-raise-a-boy-the-first-lesson-on-boundaries-starts-with-the-mum-and-its-best-drawn-as-early-as-possible-9675420/

[viii] Lythcott-Haims, Julie.  How to Raise An Adult: break free of the overparenting trap and prepare your kids for success    Holt Paperbacks, 2016, 167-169, 218-225

[ix] Febiyanti, Anita and Yeni Rachmawat. “Is Authoritative Parenting the Best Parenting Style?”Department of Early Childhood Education, School of Postgraduate, Universitas Pendidikan Indonesia Email: anitafebiyanti@upi.edu Advances in Social Science, Education and Humanities Research, volume 538 Proceedings of the 5th International Conference on Early Childhood Education (ICECE 2020)

[x] Fantastic Antoine Succeeds: experiences in educating children with fetal alcohol syndrome.  Ed. Judith Kleinfeld and Siobhan Wescott, University of Alaska Press, 1993, 13

[xi] Gray, Deborah D.  Attaching in adoption: practical tools for today’s parents.  Perspectives Press, Inc., 2002, 28-29, 54, 61-64, 191, 224-5, 229-231

[xii] Staff, Rachel. Parenting Adopted Teenagers: advice for the adolescent years.  Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2016, 25-26

[xiii] Ashaalan, Latifah, Ibtisam Al-zeiby.  “Methods Of Care For Children Living In Orphanages In Saudi Arabia (An Exploratory Field Study)” Journal of International Education Research – First Quarter 2015 Volume 11, Number 1 https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1051139.pdf

[xiv] Sharing of an adoptive parent’s experience of key themes …

Abba Adoptions  https://www.abbaadoptions.co.za › docs › adopt…

[xv] Cummins Tantrum, Barbara.  The Adoptive Parents’ Handbook: a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child.  North Atlantic books, 2020, 71, 85, 109, 193-197, 233-235

[xvi] Simon, Scott. Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption.  Random House, 2010 57, 166-8

[xvii] Perry, Bruce D.  MD, PhD, and Maia Szalavitz. The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook.   Basic Books, 2017, 100-103, 152, 241-58.

[xviii] “What Type of Parent are You? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles Behind The Decisions You Make”

What Type of Parent are You? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles Behind The Decisions You Make

[xix]Letourneau, Dr. Nicole What Kind of Parent Am I?: self-surveys that reveal the impact of toxic stress and more   Dundurn Press, 2018, 51,52-53.

[xx] Gfroerer, K. P., Kern, R. M., & Curlette, W. L. (2004). “Research support for individual psychology’s parenting model.” Journal of Individual Psychology, 60(4), 379–388.

More helpful reading:

Morris, Heather. Listening Well: bringing stories of hope to life  St. Martins Publishing Group, 2022

https://www.adoptionchoices.org/bonding-with-your-adopted-child

https://www.canadaadopts.com/10-great-ways-adoptive-parents-can-bond-child/

This is the parenting style we are encouraged to strive after as parents. Why is it then, to actually affirm that as parents we are golden parents feels a bit uncomfortable, not quite politically correct or sufficiently self-deprecating? At least so it feels to me. Added to which, the preceding posts reveal, via example after example, and even accounting for natural self-deprecation, Dave and my stumbles parenting Yasik.

Can anything be found in my oracle, the journal, to suggest that we might have been parents guided by authoritative parenting skills? Did I, as any good reporter would, only write the breaking news that would horrify, sidelining or shrugging off the positive stories?

Wellll, hopefully not puffing our chests too unnaturally, we did skinny into Authoritative Parenting in the Parenting Skills quiz we tried back in in the post Introduction to Parenting Styles. Certainly, it was our ardent desire to be the best parents we knew how to be for this kid we loved.  Had we been offered a lecture on parenting skills in the seminars we participated in pre-adoption, it would have been a no–brainer for us.  Like every parent in the room, we would have recognized that Authoritative Parenting was the ideal way to raise a child.

If Goldilocks chose a bowl of just right porridge, did we too sometimes manage to hold the parenting teeter totter in a just right balance, not too permissive and not too neglectful? Incidentally, I have discovered that the Goldilocks metaphor and the ‘just right’ message are ‘go-to’s for many parenting writers. Dr. Aliza Pressman tells the reader[i]

Somewhere in the middle, there’s the authoritative parent – high on limits and boundaries and high on sensitivity. Developmental psychologist Dr. Stephanie Carlson calls this position “Goldilocks parenting” – the optimal balance…. Goldilocks parenting is associated with the most integrated child developmental outcomes – and more evidence that a middle-of-the-road approach gets better results than the rigid or extreme approaches.

We are aware that we need to teach our children that life is about sharing and caring for each other as they learn to take care of themselves while we as parents try not to be controlling yet stay in charge – to establish boundaries and maintain them, all with a warm, loving and supportive approach.

I begin by retelling one story but rearranging the perspective to look, not at the Permissive or Neglectful or Authoritarian aspects, but to suggest that some intuitive part came from the Authoritative parenting. 

It is the story of accompanying Yasik to a school gym to support him as he was now being encouraged to join in more school activities.  At the Christmas program the previous year Yasik was the one kindergartner allowed to remain sitting in the audience rather than being expected to join the rest of his class on stage. Now in his second year at the school, he would be encouraged to no longer sit on the sidelines.  Entering the gym he went into automatic sideline mode.  And as I recount in an earlier post, I went into automatic threat and bribe mode. The bribe worked enough to get Yasik on the trampoline but wasn’t enough to entice him into a second turn. I returned to threat mode and up he climbed again. This time I saw a mix of the struggle with fear and a shy enjoyment register on his face. He had conquered the worst of it.  He was on his way. Between the first and second attempts there were tears on my neck to add to all this and, as I watched him get up and try this in front of peers who babied him still, I had to fight tears too.  I was so proud of him and all he attempted and of his stubborn refusals too.  He wasn’t following blindly – he was taking care of himself, and I was balancing the parental teeter totter somewhere between Permissive and Authoritarian.

What if that teeter totter could be balanced by one parent being the ‘demander’ and the other being the ‘warmer’? The journal acknowledges that Dave and I, while perhaps not able to articulate that we wanted to be Authoritative rather than any of the other three styles, would talk over our concerns: me being too permissive and he taking on the role of disciplinarian more often. (Don’t worry. I am aware that ‘Good cop/Bad cop’ can be read between these lines) We were trying to follow through on areas needing discipline and Yasik seemed happy with it – after the fact.  The journal notes: “He bores easily- so it is a fine line between control and creativity.  He needs support and control”. 

We also talked about how to give Yasik more independence, holding our breath on the consequences. Case in point, Dave warning me off jumping into action when Yasik wanted me to help him go sikats (I am no longer certain that is the correct Russian word). Dave was firm that at five he should be taking care of this business on his own, whether the orphanage had prepared Yasik for this independence or not. The reality was no one was going to help him at school.  He had to figure out how to wiggle up on a toilet with pants tying his ankles together and how to stay dry while managing all the steps to follow before making sure the toilet bowl was cleared of debris.

We had, after all, taken the age-appropriate step of putting him in school three weeks after he moved into our lives, society and country. It took several days of accompanying him to school, a situation the other children, having started a week earlier, had already adjusted to. Nonetheless, the moment came when his teacher decided it was no longer necessary for us to stay with him even though Yasik had peed his pants in class that morning, too shy or language-deprived to seek help with oncoming sikats. Later the school office called to say he had settled.  The battle, my journal says, to accept attending kindergarten as part of his new life was over. Well almost or sufficiently.  We were out walking that weekend and pointed out the school to Yasik. He wrinkled his nose and stuck out his tongue.  But come Monday he went without a fight.

As much as there are risks evident in the Authoritarian, Neglectful, and Permissive parenting styles, there are risks in Authoritative parenting, not always fun to engage with, but sometimes…..

The first time Yasik wanted to drive, he and Dave were in the London Drugs parking lot with lots of others.  Yasik figured he could manage it even though Dave warned him he would hit a car but he said, “No. I can drive.”  He had seen Dave doing it a fair few times by then. He climbed in the driver’s seat, got the anti-theft steering wheel club off, and then turned to Dave to check on the next step. “This way Poppa?” Poppa Dave shrugged, reminding him that he knew how to drive.   “Poppa says sorry, you are driving”.  Yasik got the key in and Dave then asked him to think through his next move.  “Look out the back window. You are going to smash that car.”  “Nada, nada, me back.  Me stop down there……  How do you stop? Tell me.” And then Yasik did think and handed Dave the key. “Nada. Poppa drive.”   He figured he might smash the car.  But he had driven cars in video games, soooo.

Learning to ride a two-wheeler bike without training wheels was another of those independence initiatives that surprised me as a parent for its significance. After beating the symmetry out of the training wheels, Yasik made an appeal to Dave to get them replaced.   Big mistake. He should have addressed his appeal to me. Dave knew it was time to remove them, not replace them, to trust biking without these sidekicks.  He took them off and dumped them. Yasik was decidedly disconcerted, thinking that was the end of biking for him.  Dave coaxed him back on the bike, with a moment of hand steadying. With that moment of support, just as any kid with access to a bike, Yasik sensed that internal wonder that, Yes! he could handle this balancing act. And he was off, maybe holding a bit to a grudge that he had to move to another level, but rounding back to show off to me, singing a garbled ABC song.

And then it was September again, several years later: our routine, a tight weekday schedule of university for Dave, elementary school for Yasik and teaching high school for me interspersed with happy holidays and weekend relaxation was fairly established.  We were once again shedding the happy summer freedom and preparing to buckle into the school regime.  Dave had already driven off to his school; I needed to get Yasik to his school before catching the bus to my school.  Only the second day into this regime and I was already falling into ‘Rush, rush, we gotta go’. Yasik hadn’t yet made the ‘Rush, rush, we gotta go’ adjustment. Still holding on to his slow go, he planted a shaky flag: “You can’t run my life.”  I planted an opposing flag: “Yes I run your life until you are 18 and then you run mine”.  Any hint of Authoritative, warm but demanding, open to opinion on family decision making here?

The rush to the tantalizing year 18 speeds up when puberty is activated. One day Yasik found himself confused by the advances of a neighbourhood girl, telling Dave, “I don’t know. I am not a girl” when Dave helped him extricate himself from said girl’s teasing.  Months, weeks, days, nanoseconds later, (I don’t remember nor am I holding tightly to the journal on this one), Yasik was thrilled when a girl from his school called to say she liked him.  Yasik was still naïve enough to leave the phone on speaker. He had been to a birthday party she had invited all their class to, but it seems he was singled out by the birthday girl. When we picked him up after the party, face all aglow, Yasik asked us if we liked this particular classmate on a scale from 1% to 100%. We had merely been introduced to her at one recent school function, yet we went with 100%.  He said, “Me too”. Another day, she invited him to her home; he arrived to find he was the special and only guest.  While her mother thought this arrangement was a viable babysitting option, in our hot tub that night, we stewed over possible problems, arguing heartily for varying positions.  At the same stage, Dave’s mother was still hauling him out of parties, and my religion managed to keep me in the land of zero personal experience. We decided that if and when Yasik planned a return invite to his home, we would put in an if/only clause that at least one other classmate be invited as well.

For the spring break of Yasik’s last year in elementary school, the school hosted a 3-day camp for the students as long as each student was accompanied by a parent or caregiver. Whether Dave volunteered or not, he was that parent. At the camp Yasik worked toward and received a babysitting certificate. Word of his new skill traveled down the road and soon he was offered a babysitting job for a neighbour, at $5.00 an hour. No longer did he have to work at home for a piddling $5.00 a week. “Fine”, says parent Dave but, “If you want work done for you then, it’s work for work or pay for it”.  I don’t think that was how Yasik initially understood the world of family expectations versus the world of external employment. We conferenced says my unblinking journal and that seemed to work out some misunderstandings.

But there was still lots of fun with Lazer tag, big paint ball tournaments and Dave and Yasik building a paintball web page, sitting down first to pull together a business plan.

Footnotes

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[i] Pressman, Dr. Aliza. The 5 Principles of Parenting: your essential guide to raising good humans   Simon Element, 2024, 102

Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to underline the following characteristics you identify in Depicting Permissive Parenting Style.

Δ   High Responsiveness: warm, loving, non-controlling, accepting, relaxed, indulgent, affirmative, involved, but not in a traditional way.   In carrying out their responsibility for their children, these parents are more likely to treat their children as friends rather than acting as authority figures with their children who need discipline. They communicate openly, are highly involved in their children’s lives, going to great lengths to fulfill their children’s desires whenever possible, sometimes at their own expense.

Δ   Low Demandingness: offer limited, inconsistent guidance or direction, have a hard time setting limits with the children, usually with minimal expectations, structure or rules either not set or rarely enforced giving in against their better judgment when their children get upset so as not to disappoint or upset the children, non-punitive. These low levels of expectation seldom result in using discipline. The children are allowed to exercise full autonomy, being left to explore the world all by themselves and decide for themselves. Not wanting to say “No” or disappoint their children, they support their children almost blindly, allowing them to push boundaries and “get away with” poor behavior. Children can avoid punishment by begging because permissive parents are lenient and forgiving. This can be the result of the parents having grown up with an Authoritarian parenting style in their own household and not wanting to put their children through it.

The parents are often liberal, middle-class professionals, thus are rewarded for taking initiative, being self-directed, and assertive in their jobs.  These parents encourage their children to have those qualities as well by rewarding independence and self-reliance.

If you want to raise a scientist, let your child ask offbeat questions, get dirty, and take things apart.[i]

Permissive parents don’t present themselves as authority figures or role models. They might use reason or manipulation to get what they want. But they avoid exercising overt power.

These parents might worry that their child’s spirit will be crushed or she’ll stop loving or trusting them if there is a conflict of will. They coax or distract their child into the behavior they want (or out of the behavior they don’t want) rather than risk being the mean guy who says “no”.

Basically, most parents are afraid of disciplining their children because they are afraid of the power struggle. They are afraid of overpowering the child, afraid they will destroy the child’s free will and personality… –Magda Gerber

Others add to the fear list with suggestions that permissive parents fear they may lose their own freedom or peace of mind.[ii]

Rewards vs Bribes

Rewards are a positive consequence for your child’s behavior that has already occurred…. Bribes, however, are persuasion-based offers of something in advance of the moment to stop your child’s current negative behaviors. Rewards are meant to encourage motivation and reinforce positive behavior. Bribes, on the other hand, can undermine a child’s intrinsic motivation and lead to entitlement or manipulative behavior.[iii]

Distilling Permissive Parenting

Yeah but, – No but

…[O]n the positive side, children with permissive parents are better off than kids whose parents are uninvolved. In addition, kids raised by permissive caregivers tend to have high self-esteem, and they may be more resourceful than kids raised by uninvolved or authoritarian parents.

But, on the negative side, there is also a lot of research supporting the claim that “indulged” kids tend to be less self-disciplined and less responsible than are children with authoritative parents.

But there are exceptions.

Several studies, conducted in Spain and Latin America, have reported no differences between teenagers raised by permissive or authoritative parents.

Perhaps this is due to differences in definitions or culture or tendency to warmer parenting. Nor were all parents in the ‘good ole’ days immune to indulging and permissiveness.[iv]

Spending time in other cultures, Michaeleen Doucleff came to believe

…our culture often has things backward when it comes to kids: We interfere too much. We don’t have enough confidence in our children. We don’t trust their innate ability to know what they need to grow.  And in many instances, we don’t speak their language…

The most common parenting “styles” all revolve around control. Helicopter parents exert maximal control. Free-range parents exert minimal. Our culture thinks either the adult is in control or the child is in control.[v]

Apparently studies also it is a myth that ‘Rewards usually decrease the desirable behavior they’re intended to increase’ for

…while decreases in desirable behavior can occur following rewards, rewards quite often are followed by sustained increases in desirable behavior. This increase is quite frequently maintained once the reward is faded out.

And praise may be alright too.

…. Even the praise critics encourage the use of some praise; they just call it “encouragement” instead of “praise”.[vi]

Not that a relaxed indulgent parenting won’t be without dilemma.

What to do when our little sweethearts are no longer satisfied with taking a turn caring for the classroom lizard but now want their own hamster or kitty? Do parents allow the hamster’s water bottle to turn green or slip in with fresh water? Do they slip in to empty the kitty litter box?[vii]

Amy Anderson came from a family of 10 while her husband, Chip, was ostensibly an only child. They started their life together with only his step-son but later added two they produced together. To Amy allowing their children choice in school lunches seemed overkill whereas Chip couldn’t see what the big deal was. So one kid wants a choice of mustard, pickle or cheese and the next one doesn’t?  Not an issue unless there wasn’t time or resources for that kind of choice when 10 lunches needed to be made.[viii]  

A new twist on permissive parenting is trending with the cool label, parenting ‘free range’ kids.  In 2008, a mother horrified the parenting world by letting her nine-year-old son ride the New York City subway alone. The mother was unapologetic, choosing to let her son range free and grow in independence, saying the concern has been blown out of proportion to reality.

Nearly 20 years later the horror remains in many hearts as a mother was arrested for letting her five-year-old walk home alone.[ix] 

Rutger Bregman turns the question around. …kids can be trusted with an abundance of freedom.… The question is not: can our kids handle the freedom? The question is: do we have the courage to give it to them?[x]

Anyway, it sounds like it is a fantasy that we are always ‘in sync’ with our kids.

… research revealed that for about 50-70% of the time, parents and children are not “in sync”. During these times, they may be doing separate activities, such as a child exploring something on their own or a parent working. They rather engage in a constant “social dance” comprising being attuned to each other, failing to do so and repairing this disconnect….

And it’s this flow of connection, disconnection and reconnection that offers children an ideal mixture of parental support and moderate, useful stress that helps growing children’s social brains….

And here is a bit of a surprise: …mothers who had an insecure, anxious or avoidant attachment type showed more neural synchrony with their children….[xi]

Might tuck in here a reminder of Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712 – 1798) and his theory of child raising that supported allowing children to be free and unfettered to learn from experience naturally, unrestrained by adult direction and books. Yeah but, … he discarded his own children.

A perspective on Permissive Parenting specific to adoption

Maurice Mierau and his wife adopted brothers from Ukraine. Here is his acknowledgement of aspects of his parenting that seem to have troubled him as he may have leaned to more permissive parenting.

These kids seemed more like wild dogs who needed me to establish dominance over the pack, not exactly my strong suit….

One of Mierau’s sons saw someone on a bus with a mohawk haircut and wanted it.  Mierau edged past the request by temporizing that they might talk to mom about getting one. Later Mierau said, “I was scared that Bohdan would actually remember this conversation….” 

When his kids wouldn’t go to sleep one evening while they were on a visit to his parents, Mierau spent half an hour threatening, negotiating, cajoling them. In the end I said fine, do what you want, and fell onto my bed for a few hours of exhausted sleep.

When Mierau took them sledding, his son hesitated, Mierau came back with, “Peter, you have to go down the hill right now. Or else.” I had no idea what or else meant, …[xii]

John Brooks and his wife adopted an infant girl from Poland. Here is his take on their struggle.

I wish I’d had a gift for understanding my own daughter. As infuriating as her behavior was we had no reference point to determine if this was normal, because we had no other children. Instead we’d allowed our child to manipulate us into giving her whatever she wanted in order to avert her tears. It had to be us. We were incompetent parents.[xiii]   

What must also be considered is the impact of adoption on a child who struggles with self-regulation or has learned a regulation that may not work in the world he or she has been adopted into.  Or is simply in the emotional upheaval of a new world, one that doesn’t usually deal with the emotional immaturity or lack of confidence or whatever the adoptee’s emotional or mental state is in face of the expectationsof something like piano lessons.    Yasik may have tinkered with a piano because he loved to listen to music and perhaps it had a calming effect but regular practice may have been a whole other, decidedly less calming, aspect of music for him.   What was the fight he was having with piano that, we believing we had been given a young Mozart into our care, did not understand?

And once again, Deborah Gray is called upon.

…lack of structure does not bring out the best in children. It is a harmful parenting style for children who need a lot of structure to succeed. Almost without exception, children who are described in [Attaching in Adoption] need high nurture along with high structure. If they want to assure themselves that they are parenting in a kind way, not a rigid way, parents can look hard at the nurturing they are doing along with their structure.[xiv]

And then there is this

At the point of entry into the teen years, Yasik was almost as tall as I was. The 40” x 40 lbs. long gone. He was finding his way into manhood, hair as long as he could get it to grow and flipped outward in the front but wavy in the back. His acne was under control and he was smoothly tanned. He wore T shirts, boarder pants which looked to me like retro-fitted old men’s golfing pants. He had biked into town and bought them himself at a friend’s mother’s store, 2 pairs too big for him I thought, but his pants, his choice.

Footnotes

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[i] https://jessup.edu/blog/academic-success/the-psychology-behind-different-types-of-parenting-styles/

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a26987389/types-of-parenting-styles

The 4 Common Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids

https://openpress.usask.ca/lifespandevelopment/chapter/parenting-styles

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html

https://www.psychologs.com/7-types-of-parenting-styles-you-might-wanna-steer-clear-from

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/parenting/parenting-styles

https://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/permissive-parenting-style.html

https://parentingscience.com/permissive-parenting

[ii] “The Wisdom of Magda Gerber: seeing infants with new eyes”   Magda Gerber Legacy  https://magdagerber.org

“Permissive Parenting Is Non-Intervention Because of Fear!” Positive-Parenting-Ally.com: practical advice & deep insights    https://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/permissive-parenting-style.html

[iii] Bernstein, Jeffrey Ph.D.   “When Is a Child’s Reward Actually a Bribe? Reinforcing motivation and self-esteem versus manipulative behavior” March 22, 2023    https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202303/when-is-a-childs-reward-actually-a-bribe   

[iv] Dewar, Gwen, Ph.D. “Permissive parenting: An evidence-based guide” https://parentingscience.com/permissive-parenting/  

[v] Doucleff, Michaeleen, Ph.D. Hunt, Gather, Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans   Avid Reader Press, 2022, P9.

[vi] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell   Great Myths of Child Development. Wiley-Blackwell, 2015.

[vii] Dewar, Gwen, Ph.D. “Permissive parenting: An evidence-based guide” https://parentingscience.com/permissive-parenting/  

Blyth Hall, Sue   Fish don’t climb trees: a whole new look at dyslexia   Friesen Press, 2020, 196.

[viii] Anderson, Amy  “Counting on Cousins” from Rebecca Walker, ed. One Big Happy Family   Penguin Group, 2009, 63.

[ix] “Mom Arrested, Sentenced for Letting Son, 5, Walk in Neighborhood”   Free-Range Kids: how parents and teachers can let go and let grow   Sept 3’26   https://www.freerangekids.com/mom-arrested-sentenced-for-letting-son-5-walk-in-neighborhood/

Gray, Peter. Ph.D. “America’s worst mom” is making kids’ lives better. Free-Range Kids: A Movement That’s Gaining Ground   Psychology Today   June 28, 2021

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/freedom-learn/202106/free-range-kids-movement-thats-gaining-ground

[x] Bregman, Rutger   Humankind: a hopeful history   Bloomsbury, 2020, 286 – 295.

[xi] Vrticka, Pascal.  “Why parents shouldn’t always be ‘in sync’ with their children” BBC   27 May 2024

[xii] Mierau, Maurice  Detachment: an adoption memoir   Freehand Books, 2014, 101,145,153.

[xiii] Brooks, John   The Girl Behind the Door: a father’s quest to understand his daughter’s suicide   Scribner, 2016, 62-63

[xiv] Gray, Deborah, D.   Attaching in Adoption: practical tools for today’s parents   Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2002, 97.

I was still trying to sleep at 7:30 am, the retiree’s right, I believe.  Brodie, our Rottie/Shepard-cross hadn’t read the policy which lays that point out quite clearly. He’d heard potentially exciting noises coming from the trail across the street.  Not really aware that going out the backdoor doesn’t connect him to the front yard, he wanted me to help him check things out. With absolutely no regard for my rights, he confidently strode into our bedroom, came around to my side, nosed my bottom and then sat back on his haunches, expectant that I would now jump obediently out of bed to let him outside. I didn’t roll over, so Plan B. He started 20 minutes of intermittent whining, stalking out of the bedroom, returning to whine and I caved.  Ok, so he did have to pee, but he was out there to warn off potential intruders. Brodie got to indulge the joy of threatening barking. I got to deal with the fallout before the neigbourhood noise patrol began shaking their annoyed heads.  I know, I know, any good dog training book I’ve read says we should not give into our dog’s whining or allow him to learn that whining is a way to get what he wants.

Are there parallels here with how Dave and I might have parented Yasik?  Actually, there are likely many, many more media sources on Permissive Parenting than on lax parenting of our puppies.

Surprisingly, at least to me, I don’t have many journal entries pointing to Dave and my experiences with Permissive Parenting. Not that we can’t find ourselves often enough in the definition of Permissive Parenting.  Just the other night, on a call to Yasik, Dave called him by Dave’s younger brother’s name, something he has done many times over the years.  He mixes Yasik up with his younger brother both because of what a brother signifies and because this brother was one of his closest friends growing up.   Hearing the mix-up, though I have heard it many times before, I ran for note paper as I am now looking at the definition for Permissive Parents, that of seeing or wanting to see the child in the light of a friend/buddy relationship rather than in the light of the parent-child relationship. Of course, now, though it is a slip of the tongue, it is also, as father and son interact, a compliment.

For me, at times, the razor-sharp line between playful interaction with my child, wanting him to see me as his friend rather than see me as taking on the responsibility of mothering, began as I recount in the post, Parents? Yet Tourists?, barely a half hour after our driver turned the van back toward Moscow. The translator initiated a slapping game much like pat-a-cake. Four-and-a-half-year-old Yasik, in the middle of a vehicle full of strangers, most of whom were wrapping him in happy attention, was by now feeling the Russian version of Yeah! Alright! This is Cool!  Translation, maybe Yasik’s emotional dial was swinging a bit out of control. Moments into the little game, there was a more haphazard but stronger sting to the slap.  I have never been comfortable saying “No” to much of anything, let alone the first half hour of excited play on my first day with my son.   I allowed the slapping to continue until Dave thought it had gone too far.

For Dave the boundary between friend and parent became more apparent later as he and Yasik explored the wonders of the computer together.  Nonetheless, for neither of us would this, any more than any of the other parenting styles, have been a conscious parenting style selection.

Once we felt Yasik was settled into our lifestyle, we set about honouring the suggestion given to us at the orphanage to encourage Yasik’s interest in music.   It was evident watching his wonder listening to music via headphones on the return flight from Moscow.  It was evident watching him soothe himself, alone on the living room couch, rocking and singing songs of his childhood. He loved music. Did we have a rock star or a Mozart in the making? Whatever, we were going to follow up on the orphanage’s directive.  As far as we knew that meant getting him into piano lessons. And for the first while Yasik seemed quite happy with the music lessons, admittedly, maybe more so when he got to play the drums in the class. At his recital, he seemed proud to be dressed in long pants and a nice shirt, playing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star in front of an audience. Dave and I were in tears.  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star never sounded so amazing to my heart.

The practices leading up to this recital had been less tear-inducing, more frustration and laughter inducing as Yasik would flop his head down on the keyboard when asked to hit the keys. Still and all, we were giving him the opportunity to develop a skill we believed had roots somewhere within him; we were giving him every opportunity to find his place in the world.

So why was Yasik not embracing the opportunity with the appreciation and thrill we had imagined? Yasik continued to moan and groan and flop around on the piano seat through the mere 10 to 15 minutes of piano practice before school. I countered his misery, sometimes with desperate threats and other times with conciliatory bribes.  We were ‘giving him the opportunity’ with threats and bribes – two side of the same coin?[i]

That last sentence might lead you to ask why I put this story in the Permissive Parenting post rather than the Authoritarian Parenting post for it is a bit of a stretch to see it as illustrating one of the traits in the definition of Permissive Parenting:  These parents mostly allow their kids to do what they want and offer limited guidance or direction. They prefer to avoid conflict and will often acquiesce to their children’s pleas at the first sign of distress.[ii]

The journal records one particularly bad lesson after a week of sketchy practice.   I have not recorded (in itself a comment) how Yasik might have been feeling, but I image relief that the class was over and he was going home to TV, computer time or maybe the freedom to go down to the park to play with his friends.  I came away from the awkward class hour feeling self-pity at my unrewarded struggles to get him to practice, probably the driver of the next few minutes. I asked him if he wanted to quit piano.

“Yes”, he said. Groan.

“We’ll have to get rid of your piano you know.”

“Ok.” This from a kid who had shown signs of the hoarding trait sometimes noticed in kids who’ve spent time in an orphanage.   I guess the need to hoard was no longer a trigger; maybe competition with his cousin would trigger him.

“We’ll give it to Kyle”, who a couple of years later showed roughly the same interest in piano as Yasik.   “OK”, he said.

I’m dead, foiled, parried, screwed.

On to the next manipulation. I turned off North Road at Foster Ave. to loop around and return to the building housing the piano school.  I told Yasik, now showing some concern, that I was disappointed in his choice. No comment.

But if it was his choice, then “OK, you can quit if that is what you want – but you have to tell Mrs. B. We are going back to the school to catch her before she closes up.”

“OK.”  Maybe it’s for the best I even thought. No more hassle. But I hated to have to tell Mrs. B. I hate disappointing authority.  And what if it was a chance he’d never have again.

And into this downward-spirally dream (mine or his?) came an inspiration. I had just run a yellow light near Lougheed Mall and he’d told me to be careful.  He had less confidence in my driving abilities than in his father’s.

“OK. If you quit, I can too.  I’m just going to quit driving.  I’m not good at it.  It’s too hard.  We will park in the mall and then we will walk up to the school. You go in to tell Mrs. B. you are quitting and then we will leave the car and walk home.  Dad can come and get the car.”    It was now becoming dark, cold and raining.  We bundled up, got out and started to walk. Seriously.

He was saying we can’t do this.  I said we can and we marched.

We walked almost two blocks when he said, “I was just fooling.  I won’t quit.”

And I said, “OK, I’ll drive.”  I grabbed him and hugged him.  He was embarrassed in the street but I know he was happy for the hug and kiss, and relieved that we were finally just going home.  For a plus, when we reached Lougheed Mall, I let him drive (sitting in my lap of course) around the empty parking lot.   Manipulation or not, I wondered at the time.

I was holding Yasik to piano playing not in a direct authoritarian, no revolt-tolerated plan of action, but with bribes and threats in ‘his best interest’. 

Is it possible that both Authoritarian Parenting and Permissive Parenting come from a place of parent-driven choices for the child, one coming at it from direct demands, the other from threats and bribes? Do permissive parents really not want to get in their child’s way?  Or do they think that a softer approach will get them what they want? 

One night I came into Yasik’s bedroom at the end of an evening as I routinely had done since his first nights in our home, to read him to sleepiness. I had been reading him books that progressed from one-sentence per page stories to the magical Harry Potters.

One such night Harry gets into some trouble and Yasik said, “He should have just lied to save himself.” What does a formerly god-fearing, morals-valuing mother say to that?

With all the backbone of someone who hates conflict, I muttered that I didn’t think Harry lied.

Yasik came right back with, “Sure he does.”

Two pages or so later, Harry definitely lies and Yasik said, “See Mom.” There is no record in the journal of any morally-guiding comeback from me.

When Yasik was around 12, he came to the decision that the nightly bed time book routine must come to a halt.  Sleeping in a top bunk, he had barricaded himself or snugged himself up there by draping blankets over the edge of the bunk’s sidings.  He popped his head over his parapet to tell me I didn’t need to read to him anymore. And that was that.  I accepted his decision with hardly a whimper.

Have we ever resolved the question of whether or not it is problematic for little boys to play with toy guns or how much TV or computer time is damning? Media regularly report rumblings that the government is going to apply restrictions in the ‘best interests of the child’.  So was it cute or worrisome to come into our living room to find our young man sitting on the couch with his little hockey stick, popping off cars passing by on the street. Little boys, they say, turn anything from carrot sticks to Lego blocks into guns.  I went with being disconcerted Yasik had become too interested in shooting bad men while Dave was tempering.  Yet if we truly believed shooting cars with a hockey stick would lead to a life of crime, our response was lame. Yasik went from hockey stick guns to computer games like Quake. Even if I did feel, and at times muttered to Dave, that such games might be deleterious to a healthy moral upbringing.

It is less clear in the journal whether we showered Yasik with too many things; certainly he had everything any of his friends had, but was that not par for the course for a middle-class lifestyle?

So let’s go back to those ‘mutterings’. They might segue into a peek under the covers of our marriage.  Which could be a somewhat misleading metaphor.  Rather than where your mind might head if on auto-pilot, focus on the blanket covering our marriage bed, flopping about as the two individuals beneath each seek a don’t-go-to-bed-in-anger relationship and a good night’s sleep.  This to say that if Permissive Parenting style defined any part of our parenting, it was more often than not expressed by one or the other of us, not often by both of us together, ergo (pretentious?) the image of the blanket covering marital tensions beneath it: Good Cop/Bad Cop parenting.

Starting right from that first hour as parents in the van. Even as Yasik was hitting and later biting, I was reluctant to say “Nyet!” Dave did say “Nyet!” when he thought Yasik was crossing a line.  Within a few weeks, Dave felt he was looking like the bad guy and being rejected for “Nyet!” was coming from him more often than from me, putting him in a less favourable light with Yasik.  That metaphoric marriage blanket settled into an uncomfortable silence.

We were each pulling for our share of the blanket when Yasik needed to go ‘sikats’ on his own.  I wanted to help that little penis point in the right direction but Dave felt Yasik was ready to practice aiming on his own.  I think Yasik did figure out where to point.

It wasn’t all awkwardness or tension as Dave and I tugged for cover over permissiveness or strictness under the marriage blanket.  There were funny moments too.  Times like one afternoon. Dave had come skulking around when he felt I was being too easy on Yasik for an impudence or tantrum. All 40 some inches and 40 lbs. were trying to stand up to Dave and I. When it ended with Yasik crying, Dave turned and went back to the computer set up in the kitchen. I followed him and Dave, with his back still to me, said, “And I don’t care what you think”.  Then he wheeled around and demanded, “What do you think?”  Partly delay tactic, partly not knowing what to say and wanting to avoid conflict or feeling the moment was not right for talk, I returned with a confused, “I haven’t thought anything yet”.

In sum, Dave and I concluded that he expected too much and I expected too little; this was probably in terms of differing priorities because I suspect that while Dave wanted Yasik to learn to behave appropriately and respectfully, I wanted him to do well at school. Depending on which priority was being tested by Yasik, one or the other of us donned the cop uniform we felt necessary for the moment concerned. Sometimes Permissive, sometimes Authoritarian? 

But all this high-minded talk of priorities can get very personal and somewhat less the look of child-centered parenting. At the time it felt to Dave like the two of us were siding against him.   When Yasik and Dave were on the computer, I felt like I was left out.  But did we see more clearly what the problem and solution were? Not really – we weren’t able to step outside ourselves to look at the problem.  The journal suggests I did realize I had a husband who was fascinated with how things work and what they lead to when they work; at that time, it was the computer which combines technology and art potential and it kept one step ahead of him. Besides which he was learning things we all needed to know.  I got a chance at a good education later in life and I valued it as one of life’s highest gifts.  We also had a young son who wanted our attention most of the time even if his emotions degenerated into hitting out in over excited play or anger, responses that should not be excused or ignored.

Was he getting spoiled as Dave suggested? How is ‘getting spoiled’ even defined? 

The one explanation that cannot be countenanced in a question of becoming spoiled by our Permissive Parenting is the accusation that a child is being manipulative.  One evening when Yasik was a few years older, my journal says ‘Last night after Yasik worked on manipulating me by saying, “You guys never play with me.” I agreed to play a board game with him. Dave came in to say, “No, we should teach him not to say ‘Never’ and guilt trip us. He should know to just straight out ask to play”.

The common thought, most of my adult life has been that children are capable of manipulation. Recently I have noticed writers take a paragraph or two to caution against that assumption. A child needs a developed pre-frontal cortex to manage the executive function I suggested he was employing, something not operating until the child is no longer a child, a tantrum being a child’s way to express frustration.[iii]

Dave and I have always been determined not to give up and close the door on trust of each other. After some time stewing we would talk about issues of expecting too much or too little and how to give Yasik more independence because we do believe in not taking our disagreements to bed, lucky for the blanket.

So what did we have in the end? A tenderhearted man who was frustrated by feelings of guilt and fear of being left out, a son who was just being a kid, playing with those he loved, and a woman who struggled between a daydream and reality, wanting to enjoy picture perfect and knowing there are realities, some of which I accepted and some I didn’t. Work and school’s priority I understood, but Dave and Yasik wanting time on the computer to play computer games, not so much. Dave understood playing on computer but a kid having a tantrum, not so acceptable.

Yet, the interactions within a family are five minutes of this and then, spin, and it is five minutes of something totally different. A fine line between fun and tension, yet something to take note of.

A Note: To decide if ‘ergo’ is pretentious check out   Penny, Louise  The Long Way Home  Hodder  2014, 210

Footnotes

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[i] Benaroya, Melissa “Threats & Bribes: Two Sides of the Same Coin”  ChildProof Parenting  Oct 4, 2016 https://www.childproofparenting.com/blog/threats-bribes  

[ii]Zeltser, Francyne  “A psychologist shares the 4 styles of parenting  — and the type that researchers say is the most successful”  DOCTORZELTSER  July 1, 2021 https://www.cnbc.com/2021/06/29/child-psychologist-explains-4-types-of-parenting-and-how-to-tell-which-is-right-for-you.html

[iii] Knapp, Katie, MSc, J. Bruce Mortson, PhD “Brain Development and Executive Functioning”Depicting Permissive Parenting   Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development   January 2013

https://www.child-encyclopedia.com/executive-functions/according-experts/brain-development-and-executive-functioning

Tracy “Toddlers, Meltdowns and Brain Development: Why Parents Need to Ditch Traditional Discipline   raised good https://raisedgood.com/toddlers-meltdowns-brain-development-ditch-traditional-discipline/

Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to underline the following characteristics you identify in Depicting Neglectful/Uninvolved Parenting.

Δ   Cold/Low Responsiveness/Emotionally Absent/Unsupportive/Unconcerned: Parents are neglectful even when they might provide food, shelter and basic amenities for their children. They show lack of warmth, connectivity and care, interest or attention or affection towards their children, not interacting with their children much at all.

Δ   Low demandingness/ Disconnected/ Undemanding/ Indifferent/ Disengaged/ Detached/ Uninvolved/ Overwhelmed with other things: Children are often left to fend for themselves, even taking on a limited parenting role. These parents offer little nurturance, guidance and attention to the child’s social-emotional and behavioural needs, have limited engagement with their children, don’t converse or interact with their children much, don’t attend their children’s activities or events and don’t strive for any kind of emotional connection but do not discipline them either, and rarely implement rules or structure.[i]

Distilling Neglectful/Uninvolved Parenting

Born for Love: why empathy is essential – and endangered has several stories of child neglect rising out of parents’ lack of care due to ignorance or struggles, as well as, stories of abuse even when parents thought they were doing the best they could for their children. The family story in Chapter Six has all the accoutrements of the good life. The child is well provided for.[ii]

Yet in terms of consistency of care, Ryan’s early care was as unstable as the shift workers’ changes in an orphanage. When infant Ryan became attached to a caregiver, the caregiver was replaced because his mother would become concerned that Ryan seemed more attached to the caregiver than to her. So she fired them, eighteen caregivers, before Ryan entered preschool. By the time Ryan was 3 he had begun to shut down his emotions. When he was 17, he could not understand why raping a developmentally-disabled girl was problematic.[iii] 

…. A foundational principle of brain development is that neural systems organize and become functional in a sequential manner…. If one system doesn’t get what it needs when it needs it, those that rely upon it many not function well either, even if the stimuli that the later developing system needs are being provided appropriately. The key to healthy development is getting the right experiences in the right amounts at the right time.[iv]

Which leads to the question about daycare.

Great Myths of Child Development, Myth #42: daycare damages the attachment between children and parents: the writers question Spock, Bowlby, Ainsworth and Schlessinger’s dire warning of leaving a child to the insecure attachments that may result for daycare exposure.  These writers quite strongly dispute the dangers of daycare,

“The preponderance of research says that [daycare] does not [damage children] …  So to all those anxious parents in the world, we say don’t fret. Human babies are not geese, and they won’t “imprint” on a daycare worker instead of you.[v]

It may even be beneficial in parent-child interactions, giving parents greater income, lessening their stresses and helping to make children more school ready. And here is a plus that could raise some parental eyebrows: these kids may get more illness, but ironically or not, they will develop a greater immunity to illness….

Yasik certainly came packaged in immunity to illness. 

May orphanage life have had some real plusses for Yasik?  Yes, of course, it did; the difference is that Yasik didn’t get to go home at night. In a day-care setting, the child is home developing a secure attachment to the parents to balance the time away from the parents. And, “evidence suggests that children of working moms grow up to be just as happy as children of stay-at-home mom”.[vi]

And then there are mothers who are not bullies or abandoners, but maybe

Some of them were absent-minded [or distracted]. Many of them were overworked and exhausted and didn’t have the energy or patience required to meet their children’s every immediate need, but loved their children all the same and wanted nothing but the best for them.  The vast majority were probably doing their best, and would be horrified at the thought that their actions might be hurting their children. …. It shows that in parenting the little things matter just as much as the big ones.[vii] Perhaps safety and tummy are taken care of, but some time to stimulate the neurons bursting forth in the tiny brain with play is limited.[viii]

But when Uninvolved/Neglectful parenting is sparing with safety and basic care, children can struggle with a sense of low-self-esteem, abandonment, depression, forming close relationships, hostility, delinquency, substance abuse and a weak sense of empathy.[ix] These children may develop a sense of independence and self-sufficiency that prefers to trust themselves before anyone else.  Does hoarding or self-soothing suggest self-care? These children may have an ache for affection that is difficult to assuage even in adulthood.

A perspective on Uninvolved/Neglectful Parenting specific to adoption

 It is hard to image an adoption life story that didn’t begin with some kind of abandonment, whether intentional or otherwise. Betty Jean Lifton would say of adoptees:

They are self-negating. They may look secure but they suffer from feelings of shame, inner badness, and defectiveness. They fear homelessness, betrayal, disintegration, and going mad. But, most of all they fear abandonment.  The message adoptees give to friends and spouses is: “Do anything you want to me, but don’t abandon me”.[x]

A Quora question: Why isn’t love enough in parenting an adopted child?

I’ll tell you the story of my sister. She was 18 months old when she came to us. I was 4… Even at 4 I could tell this baby was broken… My sister’s bio family intentionally broke this innocent baby. They starved her in every way you can. No love. No food. No nothing. Their family dog treated my sister better than they did. They would sit my sister in a room by herself during dinner and would throw scraps to the dog. The dog took the scraps to my sister. That dog was a better mother to her than the humans in that house… they broke her trust and capacity to understand love. She never recovered because they did it at the most critical time in her development. My parents and us kids love her deeply. And she cares for us, but she is incapable of trusting us to not hurt her… My parents changed the entire way they parented me and our older brother to accommodate her needs…They gave her extra time and attention that we didn’t get, we were never neglected and didn’t lack love and attention, but she did demand more… Love wasn’t enough to keep her with us. When she turned 18 she ran…She doesn’t live in reality… The way she is can all be traced back to that first 18 months of her life when people were monsters and a dog was her mother… if you take on a broken baby… Just love them and accept them for who they are.[xi]

If the neglected child grows into an adult Neglectful parenting could be saying something about the parents’ experience of being parented.  Because of his own experience of being parented, Steve Sagri has not had a “successful family life“.

“… even with my daughters, even when they were adorable little kids, I never felt real comfortable,” he says, “I never knew how to behave around them. I didn’t know how to be a parent. How would I? I’d never seen it done…”. “Maybe my real fear is of getting hurt,” he muses, “Maybe that is why I’ve built so many ten-foot walls around me. Maybe it’s because I was rejected as a kid that I don’t want to give anyone the chance to reject me now. So I just keep moving…”[xii]

Others’ parenting experiences, speaking to at least some aspects of the Negative Parenting Style.

For likely as long as the novelist has become aware of the working mother dilemma, they have made use of the working mother trope. In Scott Turow’s novel, The Laws of Our Fathers, the protagonist is a busy judge starting a high-profile case whose young daughter does not want to go to school so the judge cajoles, threatens, manipulates and promises future impossible temptations.

Someday, I always promise, it will be as she asks…. But not, of course, today. Today there is duty…. I must go off to my other world…. telling myself I am not my mother, [who apparently left her alone when she went off to work] that I am somehow on the road to conquering what remains of her in me.[xiii]

In The End of Mom Guilt, Lara Bazelon, the mother, fights back. Although the conflict between career and parenting seems more divisive than for the father, she believes “prioritizing your career- not all the time, but some of the time – models… for the children…independence and resilience.”[xiv]

A school teacher has added another label to Neglectful/Uninvolved, ‘Roommate Parenting’. It is this teacher’s experience that parents are not invested in interactions and relationships anymore.[xv]

Love Works Like This   Lauren Slater (Random House, 2002,169). Goodreads refers Lauren Slater’s experience of parenting as  “career-oriented“, looks at having a child and the need to “reconcile [her needs to be with her baby] with the demands of others… When I am with Eva, she is my heart. When I am gone from her, at work, or with a friend, she ceases to exist.”[xvi]

And then there is this

I saw an ad for the BEST dishwasher soap for loving parents. It did have to remind parents they might need to buy a dishwasher first, of course.

The plot to zing the ad’s proposition straight into parental hearts was built around a mother sitting on the floor holding out encouraging arms to her infant taking her first step. The camera then slides from the middle of the floor over to the kitchen area. There a young father is bent over the sink washing dishes, his back turned away from mother and child.  OMG, he was hand washing dishes. Only when the last dish has been washed does he turn back to his little family. But too late, handwashing dishes has denied him that precious moment parents wait for with bated breath, missing his child’s first step. The judgment or false pity is in the narrator’s tone: for handwashing dishes he has been charged with being negligent and missing out on one of life’s truly important moments.

Footnotes

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[i] https://themindsjournal.com/4-common-parenting-styles/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-uninvolved-parenting-2794958

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/parenting-styles

[ii] Szalavitz, Maia, Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.  Born For Love: why empathy is essential- and endangered   William Morrow, 2010, Chapter Six, 120- 144.

Szalavitz, Maia, Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.  Born For Love: why empathy is essential- and endangered   2010, P. 121, 125-126

[iii] Szalavitz, Maia, Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.  Born For Love: why empathy is essential- and endangered   William Morrow, 2010, 142.

Szalavitz, Maia, Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D.  Born For Love: why empathy is essential- and endangered   William Morrow, 2010, 121.

[iv] Perry, MD, PhD, and Maia Szalavitz. The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook.  2017, P.152

[v] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell. Great Myths of Child Development, Myth #42: daycare damage, Kindle version, Wiley-Blackwell, 2015.

[vi]https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/evidence-based-living/201607/moms-working-outside-of-the-home-good-for-kids

[vii] Letourneau, Dr. Nicole with Justin Joshko.  Scientific Parenting: what science reveals about parental influence.  Dundern Press, 2013, 85-87.

[viii] Letourneau, Dr. Nicole with Justin Joshko.  Scientific Parenting: what science reveals about parental influence.  Dundern Press, 2013, 175.

https://parade.com/living/traits-of-people-who-received-little-affection-as-children-according-to-psychologists

[ix] Shreyasi, Debnath  Dec 30, 2020 https://themindsjournal.com/4-common-parenting-styles/ The 4 Common Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids/

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-uninvolved-parenting-2794958

https://www.regain.us/advice/parenting/the-risks-of-having-an-uninvolved-parenting-style

[x] Lifton, Betty Jean.  Journey of the Adopted Self: a quest for wholeness.  Basic Books, 1994, 110.

[xi] Turow, Scott.  The Laws of Our Fathers.  Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1996, 66.

[xii] Simon, Scott   Baby, We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption   Simon Schuster, 2010, 142-3

[xiii] https://www.quora.com/Why-isnt-love-enough-in-parenting-an-adopted-child

[xiv] Bazelon, Lara. The Atlantic “The End of Mom Guilt: why a mother’s ambition is good for her family” May 2022

[xv] “Teacher Says The New Wave Of Parents Are ‘Roommate Parenting’” https://www.yourtango.com/self/teacher-says-new-wave-parents-are-roommate-parenting

[xvi]  Slater, Lauren Love Works Like This  Random House, 2002, 169

This parenting style, it seems to me, is the most difficult to consider.  Some of the definitions online assess the benefits and drawbacks for the parenting styles.  For this one, Neglectful/Uninvolved they state quite baldly, there are no benefits.

Riding the sky train to work in ’96, a year before our adoption, I saw a poster without the Uncle-Sam-pointing- finger but catching my notice nonetheless. I don’t remember what was being advertised, but its focus was ‘the new priority’ – job, family, you. Now I truly wonder what organization would want that as a sales pitch, unless it was a bid for irony, or perhaps, something about work/life balance. And good on me.  As I read it, I thought if the job did take priority during the week I would try very hard to keep weekends free for my son.

                  The New Priority

^{Your Choice_:}

1 2 3

                                                        

So let me state straight up at the start of this post: only once (as I have said in earlier posts) did we leave him at school day care. Kudos to us.

Then where do the following journal entries fit in?

At the end of our very short parental leave I started back to work, teaching a 5:00 pm class on the first day of the new semester. Dave was taking advantage of some studio time after one of his classes. Lucky for us, still new perhaps to juggling schedules, my mother and sister happened to be visiting or maybe I had reeled them in as they lived only two hours away. Yasik had spent about 2 or 3 hours with my family up to that evening.  I was pretty sure he knew they were gift bearers and friendly, and I knew he would be more than safe and cared for by them. But I had no idea what might be roiling in this little heart that had now known 3 weeks of belonging against 4 and half years of insecurity.  I made sure he had strapped himself into the bumper seat in the back, my sister and mom took the front seats, I slipped in beside Yasik and we drove off to Vancouver. 5:00 p.m. is full -on rush hour and my school is situated on a tightly organized street. There was only a moment to double park, pop a quick kiss and jump out. My heart holds the memory I caught as I turned to wave good-bye to this little boy alone now in the back, watching me wave and turn away.  I remember his confused face; I remember him turning to my sister, I guess hoping for the best. Both she and my mother quickly offered reassurances as they turned back into the street. Of course it was all Ok. He was taken back to our home; my husband picked me up after class and by the end of the evening we were all ‘happy families’ again (the positive, not the negative connotation).

And so began the daily battle of what we often refer to as modern day parenting: parenting demands pitted against work expectations.  And the underlying motives for such battles?   Some would say it is succumbing to the Siren Song: You Can Have It All. For others it may be simple economics. (Those now opting for a dog or cat were mostly still in grade school in the 90s.)

Perhaps because I had succumbed to the Siren Song, I chose Adult Ed. over the parent-friendly hours of an elementary school teacher. Adult Ed. schools are not found on every corner so there would be a lengthy commute. Classes offered work-around school hours. My husband had secured a long hoped for dream of attending art school. Nonetheless, we believed we could juggle effectively. And for the most part we did make it work.

But there were inexcusable moments. I actually chose Adult Ed. because I wasn’t interested in the ‘cut and paste’ of elementary ed.  Now I needed to take Yasik to his first day of kindergarten.  Two and a half hours of playing with rabbits and trying to get Yasik to buy into staying there.  The teacher and her assistant were an alien breed to me. They talked in cutsie voices and it is safe to say we were not doing a novel study.

But the teacher spoke Russian and handled all the children well – so I sat it out and we made it through a long 2 ½ hours. I know how long it was because I kept an eyeball on the clock, desperate to get out.

Obviously, my mood was bare minimum motherly.  God bless the teacher’s aide who took over, drawing Yasik in by dangling technology and books before him. This kid had only a few words of English, was prematurely peer-oriented without knowing what he was dealing with among this new set of peers, and still uncertain if his parents really were people he could count on.  Every fiber of his little body must have been desperate to get out of there. And I was hrumphing about having to be there for 2 and half hours of kiddy stuff.

The last weekend of October ’97, just before Yasik’s fifth birthday and our first with him, we took him for his first visit to my parents’ home on Vancouver Island.  This would also be his first Hallowe’en adventure.

At first the thrill for Yasik was getting to run up and ring the doorbell. And then the wonders of freely dipping into a bowl for a handful of candy.  And for us the wonders of watching the wonders that were his.  We put him to bed in my parent’s large bedroom, up and away from the rest of the house, still in that glow, but planning on some adult time with family downstairs. While we were laughing and talking together, my sister, an elementary school teacher who is more attuned to young children, slipped up to check on Yasik. She found this little mite, swallowed up by the bed, and staring wide-eyed into the darkness.  She slipped in beside him and whispered with him until he fell asleep.  The memory stays with me.

One Saturday afternoon, my day off and after my marking was finished for the week, I took Yasik shopping at the nearby mall. He was now our child for 3 months.

I took him to the mall to get long pants for the cooler weather. Soon he was pleading to go home. Dave would have been pleading too by this point, but he had already learned to avoid following me around a mall.

“Momma, Yasik go home. Momma Yasik GO home”. (Well, it would have been something like that.)

“Just wait, please Yasik. I’m just checking this one more store”. Trying to accommodate, I ran ahead of him to a shop, lured by a rack of clothing on sale. I have never been certain that for a moment, with all those clothes crowding my vision, I didn’t forget about him.  I seemed to have assumed that he was right behind me and could see where I was headed, he of 40 inches tall, barely reaching the mid-point on the rack.  Of course, unused to malls, limited in English, he missed my side-step around the rack.

I clicked back into parenting within what seemed to me mere moments, though the journal says somewhere between 2 and a whole 7 minutes or more, and stuck my head around the rack to check on him. He was not there.

As it was created to do, the urban myth about the child kidnapped in a mall, went all breaking news in my brain. I started scanning in every direction and frantically checked out the nearby shops and then called out to a security guard walking past. And he did his job, trying to calm me, calling for other guards to watch and striding off to look.

I heard Yasik crying before I saw him. There he was holding a guard rail in front of The Bay on the opposite end of that level of the mall. His face was stricken. He was standing there with big tears, and once seen, made no further sound.  I gathered him to me, and held on for dear life. I thanked the relieved guard and led Yasik to the closest clothing store, to a change stall. There I pulled him into my lap and we cried, sitting on that change bench until he quieted. And then we got out of that mall as fast as our shaky legs could go.

It can happen just as they say, that fast.

It is possible to think that Dr. Gordon Neufeld, had he watched this scene, would have understood Yasik’s frightened cries as coming from his deep understanding of abandonment.  In a class lecture Neufeld made the point: “There is no experience that has more impact upon us as humans than that of facing separation”.[i]

Some of these examples of times of neglectful parenting can be chalked up to being new parents, still learning the new reality, but the following examples cover times when lack of experience doesn’t hold water as well.[ii]

For me, the weakest link in my parenting was the many times we let our son have overnights with school mates even before our first year with him was up.  He was at the age for which it is common. It solved babysitting strains for several families.  Yasik was well-attuned to playing with other little kids having spent most of his time until he became ours with many little playmates. 

However, those rationalizations were long ago countered for me by a story in my nearly worn-out copy of Attaching in Adoption: practical tools for today’s parents[iii]. This story I have for so long worried over is about a couple who did not allow any allo-parenting for the first two years with their children in order to secure the children’s attachment to themselves.  They did not allow their children to have sleep overs or be babysat by others. The children went everywhere with them and were cared for solely by themselves, wanting to ensure that the children understood what the meaning of family now was.

Still …, I think your average parenting book will encourage allo-parenting, the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ concept.  Hunt, Gather, Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans[iv] is all about cultures where sharing child-raising within a community has great value for children. Granted these are children who likely have known secure attachment their entire lives.

For children whose early years have offered little in secure attachment perhaps nuclear attachments are essential before taking the child into a wider social circle. It is reasonable to suggest Yasik’s understanding of family may have been unclear. 

And once again, Yeah Ok, – But …, Peter Lovenheim in The Attachment Effect: exploring the powerful ways our earliest bond shapes our relationships and lives[v] counters some of John Bowlby’s strong emphasis on the caregiver. Lovenheim sees room for adaptation for, as social beings, we are not necessarily damaged by receiving care from more than one caregiver in order to establish a secure sense of attachment.

Our week days were well packed with school and work and the commutes tying it all together. As we saw it, that meant lots of left over demands for the weekends. If the neighbour wanted Yasik to have a sleep over at her house to free her from the demands of keeping her son entertained and if Yasik was eager to play with his friend, allowing Dave time for to complete assignments and for me to get 27 essays marked, this was a win-win all the way around.

“‘When you are in a jam, it’s hard to remember that you are in a relationship with a person, not just trying to get someone out the door in ten minutes. Problem is, we have our own agendas and sometimes we see the kid as an impediment’”.[vi]

Bouncing back from Peter Lovenheim, I, still uncertain whether or not to shake off my sense of guilt about jumping too quickly into allo-parenting, return to the arguments of Gordon Neufeld, PhD. and Gabor Maté M.D.[vii] They begin the book’s argument for securing parent-child attachment before allowing the child free range with peers with this: “…in the short term, peer orientation appears to be a godsend”. And as a salve to any worries, Dr. Neufeld acknowledges that “At first glance peer-oriented children appear to be more independent, less clingy, more schoolable, more sociable and sophisticated”. But then Neufeld and Mate give the reader 264 pages to say, “WRONG!  IT IS NOT A GODSEND!”.[viii] Yasik was simply not yet secure enough in his attachment to us. Sleep-overs in the first years as a family were not a win-win for us.

It also cost us precious memories like being the ones who took him to the PNE for the first time. I marked papers, Dave completed university assignments and Yasik went to the PNE with the buddy and his parents.

But were we even aware of what trade-offs we were going to have to deal with? About all the awareness I can find in the journal was ‘we are all just caught in a big pressure pool and we’ve got to help each other.’

Dave’s contribution when I read the Neglectful/ Uninvolved parenting definitions to him: “I was triggered by Yasik and you and the dog to be involved but at times would have rather indulged in my own interests and engagements”. That is Dave, easily guilted into taking care of others’ needs, even when he wants to do his own thing.

Yasik’s input when I read the definitions to him: “I think you know the answer to that. Yes, there were times when I was left to fend for myself” (though he was mainly referring to times later than this period). “Look where it led me”.

 Footnotes

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[i] Easterly, Sara, Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, Lori Holden.  Adoption Unfiltered: revelations from adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and allies, “Referring to Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s words… (Gordon Neufeld, PhD, “Session One: Becoming Attached,” Recorded Class Lecture The Art & Science of Transplanting Children Course, 2011).  Rowman, 2024, 142

[ii] Perry, MD, PhD, and Maia Szalavitz. The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook.  Basic Books, 2017, 168.

[iii] Gray, Deborah D.  Attaching in Adoption: practical tools for today’s parents   Perspectives Press, Inc., 2002, 62

[iv] Doucleff, Michaeleen, PhD.   Hunt, Gather, Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans   Avid Reader Press, 2021

[v] Lovenheim, Peter   The Attachment Effect: exploring the powerful ways our earliest bond shapes our relationships and lives   TarchgerPerigee, 2018, 71-73

[vi] Neufeld, Gordon, PH.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D.   Hold On To Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers.  Vintage Canada, 2004, 196.

[vii] Gordon Neufeld, PhD. and Gabor Maté, M.D Hold On To Your Kids: why parents need to matter more peers. Vintage Canada, 2004

[viii] Neufeld, Gordon, PH.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D. Hold On To Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers.  Vintage Canada, 2004, 235, 237.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to underline the following characteristics you identify in Depicting Authoritarian Parenting.[i]

Δ   Cold: low responsiveness, aloof and distant, affection is given sparingly, if at all; boundaries are maintained between parent and child.

Δ      Demanding/Unbending: strict, making non-negotiable rules, not considering the child’s needs or desires, “My way or the highway”, accompanied by harsh criticisms on making mistakes, or the more PC, emotional manipulation.  The child’s strong will must be broken.

Δ     Control: to foster obedience and implement discipline.  Parents monitor child’s behaviour, activities inside and outside the house.

Δ     Punitive discipline/highly negative consequences often justified as “tough love”: threatening, beating, spanking, thrashing, pulling, pricking, kicking, punching, and emotional punishment like neglect, yelling, scolding for not doing things “right”, silent treatment, stonewalling.

Distilling Authoritarian Parenting

Apparently, orphanages in Russia unapologetically chose Authoritarian parenting as a pragmatic style given the economic chaos of the 1990s. It was explained as ‘toughened attachment’,[ii] considered necessary to prepare the orphans in their care for the harsh world they would be turned out to at the age of 18.  Hopefully these children would be toughened enough to deal with the economic struggle and the need to get along in such a world.

… [The] philosophy of toughened attachment is characterized by the understanding that the best forms of attachment behavior are non-responsive. The rationale is that non-responsive care trains children to be resourceful and thus increases their chances for survival in bleak times…. -namely, a relationship whereby children from an early age could be taught to best maximize opportunities in resource-lean environments. In particular, detdoma workers encouraged children with very limited economic prospects to make multiple, flexible, and peer-based relationships with others….

Such attachments were socialized in a variety of ways, including swaddling (thought to encourage self-soothing), delaying responses to child crying, encouraging children to ask peers rather than adults for help when they had problems, or telling children in consciously cheerful or humiliating ways, to discover the answers to questions on their own somewhere in the orphanage. Throughout this process, those children who were compliant and cheerful about such interactions were rewarded verbally or by being given some important status or role in the orphanage, although not with touch. Those children who did not comply and expressed anger, sadness, and despair were discouraged using the socialization techniques…

We may have begun to parent a child already brewed in Authoritarian parenting. We do not know what Authoritarian parenting meant on a daily basis for Yasik but the article above suggests it is possible Yasik was being nurtured with “toughened attachment”.

We do know that when meeting us for the first time in the little waiting room of the Yaroslavl orphanage became too stressful for Yasik, he turned to the sweet doctor and folded himself in her arms, arms that willingly accepted him, letting him sob into her neck. But did that moment speak to the orphanage’s daily parenting style? Did Yasik know it was safe to turn into the little doctor’s shoulder as a security he knew he could trust or was the moment meeting us so overwhelming he took the first outlet available. Certainly the woman at the desk and the woman who brought Yasik into the room were not stepping in: out of shyness, uncertainty or the expectations of ‘toughened attachment’?

Whatever parenting he experienced, he would have learned ways to respond. If his early experiences of parenting were traumatic or at least authoritarian, then the way he expressed his frustrations to our discipline may have been techniques he had learned to defend himself when receiving ‘toughened attachment’. Or maybe his responses were defenses against what his imagination understood about having a mama and papa.  Did that mean to him that life would be different from life in the orphanage; he need not suffer discipline and insecurity anymore? Or, as the honeymoon period receded into the hurley-burley of everyday life, did some of our parenting seem to him just like ‘toughened attachment’?

We, even in the West, are not immune from it.  Traditional parenting or ‘Trad parents’ check off authoritarian definition boxes above.  It starts with the assumption that small children are capable of manipulating their parents – a sign, I guess not of a clean slate within but of some kind of willfulness – and that effective disciplining must incorporate some pain. [iii]

To quote a response to that one: “The truth is that children aren’t capable of manipulation until adolescence, because to be able to manipulate, you need a more developed prefrontal cortex.”[iv]

Be that as it may, Authoritarian parenting is also seen as a wise choice among working class parents who know that to be good employees, children need to know how to be obedient and develop a strong work ethic.  Some also see that at times Authoritarian parenting helps when children are falling into bad company and making choices that will hurt their future.  It might also be an interventionist tool when a child veers off course, choosing friends that take the child on a path away from education and healthy lifestyle choices. But studies have shown that the outcomes of authoritarian parenting can produce children with low self-esteem and self-doubt, turning to peers for guidance and sometimes acting out behind their parents’ backs or struggling to take on adulthood’s need for internal direction.[v]

Two voices that seems to support Authoritarian parenting, Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté say

The first business of attachment is to arrange adults and children in a hierarchical order.  When humans enter a relationship, their attachment brain automatically ranks the participants in order of dominance…. that divide roughly into dominant and dependent, care-giving and care-seeking, the one who provides and the one who receives.[vi]

But, of course, having read the entire book, I know that they bring this aspect of authority in as opposed to the empty and often disastrous peer-oriented authority.

Two voices that seems to question Authoritarian parenting, Maia Szalavitz and Bruce Perry[vii] say,

Needless to say, spanking or any other form of harsh discipline does not and cannot encourage empathy: empathy is learned by having the experience of being treated kindly, not by being made to suffer…. most bullies do have the experience of being victimized – and it makes them want to get even, not help others….

A voice that finds a middling spot on the spectrum of parenting is Jean Mercer[viii]. Research has shown her that spanking “as properly defined, not to blows with a paddle or other physical punishments” is not ineffective in the short term but “questions remain about its long-term effect.”

Some explanation is offered in Great Myths of Child Development [ix]  to those who believe God has endorsed physical punishment as a loving thing to do. My parents certainly believed ‘Spare the Rod, spoil the child’ was endorsed by God to guide their parenting. Taking us to the bathroom, sitting himself down on the edge of the tub, Dad invoked, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”. followed by a confusing lament, “This hurts me more than you” to set our bums on alert as we lay across Dad’s lap. Turns out the Bible verse used to support this parenting tip may have been mistranslated.

Although the image of a father doing the deed is the first to come to mind, Great Myths of Child Development puts forward data which shows that mothers use corporeal punishment or spanking as often as fathers.[x] And they visit the argument for letting babies ‘cry it out’ when being put to bed[xi]. Reviewing the various arguments for and against, they conclude “… so long as the child is over 5 or 6 months old, safe and well-cared for, it’s reasonable to stop responding to cries to be held or rocked during the night, allowing the child to develop self-soothing skills”.

Great Myths of Child Development also addresses ‘Time-outs’ showing that brief time-outs are usually too weak to help decrease real behavior problems. This practice may also teach children what not to do, and without positive ‘Time-in’, does not teach the child what to do.[xii]

Others’ parenting experiences, speaking to at least some aspects of the Authoritarian parenting style

The book, Hunt, Gather Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans by Michaeleen Doucleff.[xiii]

Mom Feels Like A ‘Failure’ After Spanking Her Daughter [xiv]

A mom has admitted to feeling incredibly guilty about the way she handled her unruly daughter and is seeking advice on how to not react the same way in the future…. the young mother explained that she had been cleaning the bathtub when her 3-year-old daughter wandered in. Concerned for her safety, she calmly told her daughter to either leave the bathroom or stand by the door since she was using bleach and their bathroom was quite small.

…. With her daughter continuing to not listen, she picked her up and began carrying her out of the bathroom herself.

However, while carrying her daughter, the little girl began throwing a tantrum…. At this point, she immediately put her daughter in a time-out, sitting her on a chair in the corner of the room.

The time-out didn’t work though, and her daughter began to run around the room. Fed up with her daughter’s behavior, she grabbed her and spanked her. As soon as she did it, the young mom admitted to feeling incredibly “low” and a “failure” as a parent….

“What could I have done differently in this situation? I couldn’t leave her in the bathroom to calm down because I had chemicals in the tub. Maybe the best solution is not doing things that she can’t help with when she’s awake, I guess.”

[Readers responded] “Give yourself some grace. Try hard not [to] do it again,”….

“Also, try to lower your expectations just a little bit. She’s a kid …. it won’t turn her into a monster. Pick your battles.”

Another user added, “… You didn’t beat her or anything. You spanked her.”

…. At the end of the day, no parent is perfect, and there are moments throughout child rearing when certain things don’t go to plan.

The Atlantic[xv] speaks to fathers and the liminal space they find themselves in as fathers today, once filling the understood role of administrator of discipline was theirs, still confronted by children acting out of control, and no longer sure how to proceed.

Detachment: an adoption memoir[xvi]   

Peter who is 8 and Bohdan who is 7 had been adopted by Maurice and Betsy Mierau three years earlier.  The Mireaus were well into their own parenting style with the boys.  One winter afternoon, Mierau took the boys sledding, armed with hot chocolate. Because of copyright protection you will need to read the story for yourself, an incident that checks the boxes for Authoritarian, although overall, the memoir shows that this couple work hard at being warm and supportive Authoritative parents.

Lesbian and Gay Foster Care and Adoption [xvii] recounts an interview with a counselor and social worker couple, both working with children and families. At the time of the interview for the book they had been adopters for 12 years. The children were a brother and sister whose early lives were traumatic, and before being adopted, the children had been in a “difficult” foster situation. This is how they end their interview:

We’ve ended up being much stricter parents than I ever expected we would be, which has been a bit of a downside in some ways. I end up being somebody I almost don’t know, as a parent of adopted children… If somebody had told me this was the kind of parent I’d be I’d have said: “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to be like that, I’m going to be my liberal, fun self.”

But that had to change. I think all parents probably have that fantasy. I remember my dad saying he couldn’t believe how I was with the children – my sister called me Attila the Hun! But after a while my dad said I had been right to be tough. But it didn’t come easily to either of us.

I’m Glad My Mom Died[xviii] A memoir of Authoritarian parenting by emotional manipulation.

 Footnotes

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[i]https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a26987389/types-of-parenting-styles/

https://www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743

https://publichealthpost.org/healthequity/authoritarian-parenting

[ii] Stryker, Rachel   “Emotion Socialization and Attachment in Russian Children’s Homes” Global Studies of Childhood, Volume 2, Number 2, 2012   https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.2304/gsch.2012.2.2.85

[iii] https://generationcedar.com/2024/03/05/gentle-parenting-vs-traditional-parenting-a-word-to-todays-youngmother/    

https://iastate.pressbooks.pub/parentingfamilydiversity/chapter/overindulgent-helicopter-styles

[iv] Cummins Tantrum, Barbara   The Adoptive Parents’ handbook: a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child   North Atlantic Books,2020, 105

[v]https://openpress.usask.ca/lifespandevelopment/chapter/parenting-styles/

[vi] Neufeld, Dr. Gordon and Dr. Gabor Maté   Hold on to your kids: why parents need to matter more than peersKnopf Canadian Publishing, Vintage Canada, 2013, 60

[vii] Szalavitz,Maia and Bruce Perry  Born for Love: why empathy is essential—and endangered Harper Paperback, 2010, 313 

[viii] Mercer, Jean Thinking Critically about Child Development: examining myths & misunderstandings,3^rd ed.  Sage Publications, Inc., 2016 ,206

[ix] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell    Great Myths of Child Development   Wiley-Blackwell, 2015, Myth #40. 

[x] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell     Great Myths of Child Development   Wiley-Blackwell, 2015, Myth #47

[xi] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell    Great Myths of Child Development   Wiley-Blackwell, 2015, Myth # 13

[xii] Hupp, Stephen and Jeremy Jewell   Great Myths of Child Development   Wiley-Blackwell, 2015, Myth #41

[xiii] Doucleff, Michaeleen   Hunt, Gather Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, helpful little humans   Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster, 2021

[xiv] Tipton, Nia   Mom Feels Like A ‘Failure’ After Spanking Her Daughter Feb 04, 2024 https://www.yourtango.com/family/mom-feels-failure-after-spanking-daughter

[xv] The Atlantic   July/August issue 2022, 87-89

[xvi] Mierau, Maurice   Detachment: an adoption memoir     Freehand Books, 2014, 152-4

[xvii] Hicks, Stephen and Janet McDermott    Lesbian and Gay Foster Care and Adoption Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2016, 230

[xviii] McCurdy, Jennette   I’m Glad My Mom Died   Simon & Schuster, 2022

I think we managed ‘happy families’ (check with the Brits on that one) until we signed Yasik up for school – roughly 3 weeks.  The journal says Week 3 was ‘one heavy duty week’. Yasik was, in parenting jargon, ‘testing boundaries’ in ways I have read are not unusual for institutionalized adoptees, or, for that matter, children from a great variety of family settings. His arsenal, sans effective verbal skills at the time, was physical: kicking, slapping, pinching, punching when we frustrated his desires with a “No”.   Surprised that the little cutie wasn’t seeing things our way, and having not prepared ourselves for that possibility, we went full ‘do what our parents did’.

We spanked Yasik.  In our defense the journal testifies, only one smack to his bottom. Yasik cried but the smack quieted him, so I guess it slipped under the wire for not being abuse.

Perhaps the crying though shook us up because we did some serious weighing of the pros and cons. We knew we were not comfortable talking about our autopilot choice to spank with anyone else, at all. Is spanking just politically incorrect or emotionally damaging? Is it faster and tidier? Does it teach him to hit to make a point?  Parents Under the Influence: words of wisdom from a former bad mother considers it important to clarify the basis of a choice to spank: if it is not a “malevolent impulse” or causing “lasting pain” it may be fine. For her it is quite another matter if it is regular and the ‘go-to’ response to the child’s behavior. Leaving long term negative consequences, it is abuse.[i]

But Yasik needed to pay attention to our authority. He couldn’t be hitting back or talking smart we felt. Then again, were we thinking through the expectations we had that set him off? 

Right from the start, putting him in kindergarten, I was rushing him and we were regularly late to school, igniting volcanoes of frustration between us.

Dave and I were a couple born in the tail-end of the traditional parenting era, and now in our own middle years, we were coping with a daily experience more often the purview of a young couple (a common experience for adopters), and parenting a child with limited communication experience in English and very new to developing a sense of secure attachment to parents. 

My only spanking experience up to this time had come when I was in my mid-twenties, with no parenting experience and still unquestioningly believing in “Spare the rod, Spoil the child”. I was babysitting for a couple who were raised, like me, in a traditional and religious society and who regularly turned to spanking to rein in their active adoptee. One morning when friends were visiting, the child misbehaved. I carried him into the bedroom and between whacks, screaming and crying filled the household. After all was returned to quiet and smiles, the woman visiting commented to another friend, “It seems to me that people are harder on children who are not their own.”

That observation struck hard against a firmly unquestioned, and untested belief. Sensitivity to the comment was still there twenty years later to rattle my ideas about disciplining Yasik. 

‘Time Outs’ seemed to be bandied about among knowing parents we were in touch with as the ‘done thing’. Dave said that was how Dennis the Menace was disciplined; it sounded like a good recommendation, I guess. We embraced it as a discipline we could admit to among our circle of friends, and anyway, we had a child’s wooden chair as yet unfulfilled in its destiny. 

We swung it into a corner of the hallway, getting into position to do battle.  I remember experiencing less emotion or stress when disciplining was simply the smack. Now we were starting the disciplining process with a tussle to get him on the chair as he and we were still amped up. Next was the stand on guard to keep him on the chair. But he did acquiesce, even if at times with tight-lipped giving in that could be read as ‘I will bid my time until I am bigger’. Other times it was hard to keep a straight face. When once he had to give in, he would turn to us to humbly plea, “No look,” before he stood up and went off to do what we ask. There was also the time I held him in my lap until he gave in and sat on the chair quietly and then he slipped over to me and we kissed and hugged. Wish I’d done it that way more often.

And miracle of miracles, in short order just the threat of the chair seemed enough to get compliance. Check that method off and move on.  Again, without a lot of reflection. 

A couple of cases in point.

One evening after work, I was tired, impatient and would not wait for him to play in the tub where Yasik was finding endless wonders.  I’d moved on to his bedroom to dig out his pajamas. I wanted the bed time routine over so I could turn off and tune out.

“Come on Yasik, bath time is over. Now get out of the tub and come into the bedroom to get your pajamas on.”

Playing sounded like it was slowing down, and silence was taking over. Yasik had shown shyness about being naked, suggesting the way things might have been handled in the orphanage. He did not want to run naked from the tub to the bedroom, a stretch of maybe 10 feet.  But I was not trying to understand his no show in the bedroom.

“Come on Yasik, get in here.”

And now there was a wail. Yasik was sitting in the tub, alone and crying in real anger. Sighing in self-pity, I was about to drag myself off his bed and into the bathroom to scoop him out of the tub.  That self-pitying tiredness now curling at the edges with anger. Getting a 5-year-old to sprint naked from the bathroom to the bedroom was what I expected. I was not going to cave. He was going to obey. He was going to sprint naked from the bathroom to the bedroom. 

Dave must have been hovering near by, for he magically appeared at the bedroom door. “Don’t!”, with a warning eyeball.  Some kind of male intuition?

But somehow Yasik took charge. Yelling, “No look!” he snuck to the door to see if I was looking before running to the bed. Again it was hopeless not to see the funny. I popped out a “Boo!” and we both laughed.

And here I interject a reminder from The Adoptive Parents’ Handbook: a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child. Adoptees may have experienced abuse around bathing that has left them frightened of the vulnerability of nakedness.[ii]

Two years into our parenting, encouraged by school staff, one morning, I went with Yasik on the school bus to help him get involved in gym. We chose not to push him to join in gym play the first year as most days there were so many other firsts in his life. Now just like deciding to take the worn training wheels off his bike and pushing him to try biking without that support, we decided to push him to join in the activities in the gym period.

He and I stepped into the gym, kids running ahead of us, teachers taking charge, me thinking I must look in charge too. Slipping into this vibe, I tried to get him to do things just because magically I was along.  But my presence did not hold the weight I was assuming. He wouldn’t budge from his chosen place near the door.

Translation: I can’t have anyone thinking something might not be working as it should but neither can I take any action that would look or sound out of control. That is the possible beauty of threats. They can be whispered with what appears like a calm (read repressed anger) interaction.  So I started to whisper threats. “Get out there and play right now or there goes today’s computer and TV.”  I gave a hint that if he waited any longer, tomorrow’s TV was going too.

And then what Gail?  But I persisted and he adamantly refused.  A teacher thoughtfully slipped over to suggest that I and Yasik go to the trampoline because she told us being on the boys’ team with his more confident counterparts may be too hard for him. He may feel safer playing with the girls and they were on the trampoline.  He wanted to but wouldn’t.  Was he embarrassed about being relegated to the girl’s team, as well?

I continued to cajole and threat.  Finally, I promised a prize, (euphuism for bribe), and he got on for the first time, smiling in shyness, still uncertain, because it was great.

Inevitably, a few bounces in he fell and wanted down and then he wouldn’t go again.  This was a 6-year-old boy who was struggling with processing failure. I was responding by telling him I was proud of him and a prize was coming his way. But that fall overwhelmed him. When it came around for his next turn, he refused to climb back up on the trampoline.  I who had not thought that perhaps let it be was enough, or perhaps there was a private trampoline somewhere that he could test out before the next gym outing, threw out the bribes and went back to dire threats of returning to spanking.  And I could have managed that because there was a convenient bathroom off the gym.

And in the moment I won. Yasik gave in and got on the trampoline. I saw a mix of shy enjoyment and a struggle with fear for between the 1^st and 2^nd attempt there were tears on my neck. As I watched him get up and try the trampoline again in front of peers who babied him still, I had to fight tears too. Yet he conquered the worst of it.  He was on his way. I was proud of him and of his stubborn refusals too.  He wasn’t going to follow blindly, I note in the journal.  But the question remains about how I handled my role in his struggle. I hope I at least followed through on the prize.

Had we become complacent or tired of what corporeal punishment or its more politically correct cousin, ‘Time Out’ demanded? Or did we honestly think that having experienced spanking and the chair that Yasik was only needing the reminder of such consequences or some threat to the things he loved? Whatever our awareness, we now slipped into threat mode at signs of eruption.  Predictably I suppose, if we had not taken the time to think through what we were hoping for or how best to get there.  It could backfire.

Another morning as usual we running late to drop Yasik off at his school. Checking for lunch box and bag, I noticed he hadn’t quite finished his homework. That was a BIG no-no to a couple, one teaching high school with the expectation of homework, the other finally getting a chance at higher-ed and both wanting to keep up appearance as parents who have their parenting together. With minutes to spare before we really, really had to go, we went into threat mode: “You won’t be going to T-ball tomorrow if you don’t hurry up and just do this last page!”

The wail seemed to deflate his entire body.  Taking the high ground against this outburst, we brooked no argument, “Yasik, you gotta do your homework.”

“Whhhhy? NOBODY in my class has to do homework?”

(True enough, being second language, and struggling with reading, Yasik did have a heavier homework burden than his classmates.) Nonetheless, in my best no-nonsense voice, I carefully enunciated: “You. Won’t. Be. Going. To. T-Ball. Tomorrow. if you don’t get it done.”  Dave backed me up with a ‘No debate’ nod.

He failed to do so. Following through on our threat is always considered admirable. We didn’t take him to the game. He felt the pain for disobedience all right.

Thing was, we had the date wrong.  It was two days away and he got to go because he’d already gone through the wailing and missing-the-game pain the day before. I kind of think he could hardly wait to get home that evening to say, “Hey you guys, the game is tomorrow night, James said.” I looked at Dave. Dave looked at me. “What can we do? We got the days screwed up and he got the punishment.”

Yasik also got the last big grin.

And so the first couple of years went; learning effective anything takes a while I would observe at this juncture.

Dave too holds memories of times he is concerned about how he shepherded. As I have mentioned several times, not only did Dave look forward to sharing his own love of the computer with Yasik as we prepared to adopt him, but in a very short while, after we returned from Russia, Dave and Yasik were poking the keyboard, and very quickly and steadily Yasik was becoming proficient at working his way around the internet. The excitement at a son’s quickness gradually U-turned into a concern about what his child might become exposed to.  To ward off danger, Dave secretly set in a path from which he would maintain control. Of course, sensible parents applaud, but Dave voiced concern over his handling of his control, secretively rather than in open discussion with his son.

When I asked Yasik recently for his memories of our parenting, he didn’t come up with specific examples. Nonetheless, he said he definitely remembers times we handled interactions with “Because I said so” or “Don’t ask questions, just do it!” expectations. 

Surely our language couldn’t have been that bald.

Footnotes

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[i] David-Weill, Cecile   Parents Under the Influence: words of wisdom from a former bad mother   Other Press, 2020, 63,64

[ii] Cummins Tantrum, Barbara The Adoptive Parents’ Handbook: a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child North Atlantic Books, 2020, 18

Most parents start out with a child with no words. We started out with a child whose words we couldn’t find in the dictionary, and even if we found them, we couldn’t figure out how to use the dictionary’s definition to our advantage. When we said ‘Nyet’ to Yasik we had little idea what that communicated.

We may have been playing dollies with Yasik for the first day or two, dressing him up and bouncing him around like children with a Ken doll as they try to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality. Yet even while doing ‘tourist’ around Moscow there were indications that our priority was not the thrill of the art museum but that we must constantly watch this little sprite darting about. With all Moscow offered tourists, we were at MacDonald’s feeding Big Macs to the birds. Hoping ‘Nyet’ was communicating as effectively as ‘Pee-sat?’. 

Even though Dr. Spock said parents know more than they think they do[i], let me begin this group of posts about parenting by straight up saying Dave and I had the awareness of Donald Rumsfeld when we took on parenting; there were “known knowns” and “known unknowns“, but then there also are those “unknown unknowns”.[ii] The “known knowns” would be similar to what SNL suggested Kevin Federline might have known: 1. Always feed your children. 2. Children are ‘babe magnets’.  3. For the rest, Federline suggested parents should call him to babysit.[iii]

We didn’t have Federline’s phone number so that was a non-starter.  But like Federline, Dave quickly picked up on how much of a babe magnet Yasik was for women gave him their seats on the bus and fawned over Yasik.  So that was good. And we did know to feed our kid. But maybe for that one we were simply following the Golden Rule of ‘do unto others as you would have done for yourself’.

Was advice regarding actual parenting offered in the pre-adoption course we took? Almost certainly our adoption seminars offered all they could. I am equally sure that we would have nodded along enthusiastically to whatever suggestions were listed on the big paper flip chart. But in the excitement of beginning the adoption process, did parenting advice stand a chance?

Definitely, being caught up in the daily demands of our lives, we certainly were not about to make a study of parenting.  Nor did we think we needed to do so, although of course there was, by the 90s, a great deal of guidance available to parents.[iv]

I also now know we were not the only not-so-super parents out there for Scott Simon in Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption[v]takes pains to note that some otherwise excellent parents showed neither interest nor made the time for books or support groups while raising their very happy child.

Supposing we had given it a passing thought, could we have articulated what we wanted to do as parents? Certainly, no manual was tucked into the non-existent bag sent along with Yasik as he left the orphanage. Nor did we expect one. If the local radio journalist who interviewed us outside the courthouse in Yaroslavl had asked us how we planned to parent, we would have planted a look on our faces that tried for “We’ve got this”, hoping she didn’t look too deeply into our eyes where something less confident, somewhat quizzical was starting to show through. But the question never came up, everyone benignly assuming our son of one hour was in good hands because we would ‘just know what to do’.

We were asked by the social worker who did our post-adoption interviews about Yasik’s medical visits, physical and mental development, eating and sleeping habits, his personality, our child care plans and family adjustments but I remember nary a question about how we were dealing with discipline and helping him with the character development needed to develop into a good and happy human being.

I begin asking questions and seeking answers for our parenting now at the suggestion of Dr. Bruce D. Perry who says

The brain is an historical organ…. Our life experiences shape who we become… And so, since we tend to care for our children the way we were cared for ourselves during our own childhoods, a good “brain” history of a child begins with a history of the caregiver’s childhood and early experience.[vi]

As I was about to start this post, I ‘conducted’, or less pompously, ‘asked around’ about the assumption that we parent like our parents which perhaps more pompously is called the ‘intergenerational transmission of parenting’.[vii]

The responses I got ranged from vehemently ‘Never’ to ‘Yes, my parents’ way worked for me’, but most also added on reflection, that ‘the times were different’.

It is hard to be definitive about where our inclinations have come from, but our parents had up to 20 years to worm their techniques into our hearts and minds.  What is a bit scary is trying to objectively recognize that even if as children we heartily disapproved of some of their techniques, we went right ahead and reverted to these techniques as well.  They spanked, and yes, we spanked Yasik a time or two. 

But for both Dave and I some childhood experiences were valued and continued. Dave was introduced to the tool box by his step-father and has always found a tool box to be a special kind of candy box. When Yasik approached his teens, he and his dad made plans to fix up my little Civic when I moved on to a newer model.

I had great memories of shared laughter at evening meals and tried to make place for this ritual in our lives with Yasik.  However, like others, we too had to make adjustments; ‘the times were different’. It was harder to massage our schedule so that we could sit down together to share the evening meal. But we, consciously or not, were doing many of the things our parents did with us. They fed and clothed us and sent us off to school; vacations were pilgrimages to visit the relatives. Going to the lake with family and friends or going for drives up the mountains were also important.  Having parents equally involved in our home care was also respected.  If my mom was working, then my dad burnt the pancakes. Dave’s dad cooked with the salt and pepper shaker. It worked the other way with us. I boiled up macaroni, heeding Dave’s reminder to read the directions, when he had to work over supper. Wearing hand-me-downs was a given; no noses got stuck in the air when we were offered hand-me-downs for Yasik. Interests were encouraged as far as the dollar could reach. Dave’s mom bought art supplies for him and even sent one of his cartoons into a drawing contest.  I still hear the Hallelujah chorus when I remember the day my mom took me to the library. Perhaps taking Yasik to an indoor climbing gym has had the most lasting value to him.

Gabor Maté in The Myth of Normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture, in a tone that sounds quite confident, assures us that “all of us, by virtue of being human, are endowed with a natural drive and talent for child-rearing…. Both men and women have latent child-nurturing circuits in their brains, …”  Maté was referring to “the body’s natural opiates – all of which awaken in parents nurturing habits that are essential to the survival of the young.”[viii]That is a relief.  Parents come equipped.

And we did have resources with quite the adequate tool-box actually. Our ‘known knowns’ were not limited to ‘the body’s natural opiates’.

Dave and I were middle-aged parents who had lived in a variety of environments.  We had whatever our parents had taught us, and we had ample time to observe ways that other parents parent.  Chapter Five of The Origins of You: how childhood shapes later life reminds us that

Parenting is multiply determined. In addition to a parent’s own child-rearing history, parents’ health and well-being, their occupational experiences, the quality of their intimate relationship, and the social support they secure from friends, neighbors, relatives, and co-workers may all influence how parents parent…. too … how children themselves behave matters when accounting for why parents parent the way they do.[ix]

Happily, the depth of my current ‘research’ did not end with asking others about where their direction for parenting came from.   One warm summer day, I was taxiing the neighbour kids to the Dollar Store, a trip the neighbour, in the house between us and the kids, said they made sound like a trip to Disneyland. They range from 2 years old to 15.  On the way I asked them what they thought a parent was. The 11-year-old without hesitation listed off pretty much everything a Google search would offer: protect and provide.  The 15-year-old topped the list up with “and have fun”.

Hard on the determination to move from the ‘known knowns’ to the ‘known unknowns’, I questioned Google as well. The descriptors now ramped up: numbers, letters and alliteration.  1,2,3 Magic Parenting, the 3 As of parenting: Authoritative, Attachment, and Acceptance or the 3 Fs of Positive Parenting: Firm, Fair and Friendly or the 3 Ts Parenting: Tune In, Talk more, Take Turns.  And so it goes until at least 10 unless you consider Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life with two rules that are directly related to parenting: #5 – Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them and # 11 – Do not bother children while they are skateboarding.[x] Is it all summed up in the Parenting Golden Rule: “Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position”, which is apparently simple, straightforward, and successful? Ok, like the neigbour kids said, protect, provide, and have fun.

Adopters too?  Yes, although we may not have dramatic hormone changes, bio-fathers, adopters and other consistent care-givers “show bonding to the same degree as biological mothers” which “awaken in parents nurturing habits that are essential to the survival of the young”.[xi]

It is beginning to look like we came into parenting with some juice in our brains to vitalize our parenting and some useful ‘known knowns’ from the worlds we inhabited.

And for those ‘known unknowns’ and ‘unknown unknowns’, I am going to interject here something I have heard so often.  If anything should not work out according to the fantasy, adopters have a nice little ‘escape hatch/cop out’ from responsibility for their parenting, especially parents of older adoptees.  Should they accept it: the tsk, tsking of onlookers who intone, “Well it’s in the blood”, or those who shake their heads in commiseration to remind us, “Well those first 3 years are the most important”, adopters have ready excuses for their own parenting failures.

As recounted in earlier posts, Yasik’s parenting began first with his bio-parents and then a hospital staff followed by the orphanage. What can a hapless adopter do about that? Everything has been sewed up before they even start. Can’t fault their parenting styles, right?  

To turn a quote from Gabor Maté around: “no, [parents] did not create the world in which they must parent [their children]. Yes, parents are responsible for their children;”[xii]  We are not off the hook. Our parenting styles matter.

Accepting that responsibility as we understood it, how would our parenting be analyzed and what can be learned from our parenting journey?  The analysis is based on the work of Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist who began her research in the 1960s, providing three of the basic parenting styles. In the 1980s, Stanford researchers, Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin added the fourth style.[xiii] These four styles are Authoritarian, Neglectful/Unengaged, Permissive and Authoritative. As is evident by the list of styles mentioned earlier, these four shots are only the ‘opening volleys across the bow’ of the discussion on parenting styles.   Depending on how we come packaged into parenthood, in these times, we can choose to parent from a buffet of styles. An article in The Irish Times, which I accessed through my library’s online data offerings, provided a list of styles parents might choose: Helicopter, Drone, Lawn Mower/Bulldozer/Snow Plough, Free Range, Tiger, Dolphin, Koala, Jellyfish, Lighthouse, Gentle, Crunchy/Silky/Scrunchy, Concierge or as noted above, Conscious.[xiv]  Seriously.

Please also note though before you do so that there is a caveat applicable in any curiosity: …. Human motives are always mixed and at least partly concealed, hence, endlessly arguable”.[xvi]

Our results: because both parents must be considered for their styles and input,[xvii] I appealed to the better angels of Dave’s nature, getting him to take the quiz just after I completed it.  Maybe it was nearing suppertime and I was fogging over; whatever, I managed to add up the numbers each of us chose for each question instead of the number values given to each. And then I spent the next 24 hours angsting over the designations these numbers offered.  One of us was borderline Neglectful and the other, Permissive.  Maybe Permissive could be met with a bit of a shrug and giggle, but Neglectful?  That one elicits, at the very least, a grimace and groan.  I wanted to delete the quiz, shoving the results under the rug, but I also want to honestly explore our parenting.  In the morning, I went back over the quiz looking for a way to ease it into my determination to be open and honest in my search and, whew. I saw my mistake and I recounted.

For some of the questions I was on the fence, thinking it depends on the situation, choosing the middle option, #3. And while Dave did not stay on the same fence for as many question responses as I, we came out with exactly the same scores, barely inside Warm in the first set and barely inside Demanding for the second set. Whew again! We managed to raise Yasik according to the nice sounding parenting style – Authoritative.

But I cannot ignore the impact of my emotional response to the three negative styles and what my image of myself and Dave would have had to acknowledge had we landed in any of these styles that are less than admirable and certainly not trending currently.

Add it all up and our parenting styles come from all that is swirling about in our brains, bodies and emotions, the parents who parented us, the times and the environment in which that parenting played out, and our values for, as is the habit of values, they take shape influenced by this mix of nature and nurture. 

And we are off, skipping along the yellow brick road, off to ask the wizard what kind of parenting we provided for Yasik.

Footnotes

---

[i] Spock, Benjamin   The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care   Duell, Sloan and Pearce, 1957

[ii]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_are_unknown_unknowns

[iii] Season 33, Episode 2 of Saturday Night Live, which originally aired on October 6, 2007

[iv] Neufeld, Gordon, PH.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D.  Hold On To Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers   Vintage Canada, 2004, 5

[v] Simon, Scott Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption   Random house, 2010, 44-45

[vi] Perry, Bruce and Maia Szalavitz   The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook.  Basic Books, 2017, 89

[vii] Belsky, Jay, Avshalom Caspi, Terri E. Moffit, Richie Poulton.  The Origins of You: how childhood shapes later life.  Harvard University Press, 2020, 110.

[viii] Maté, Gabor MD and Daniel Maté   The Myth of Normal: trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture.  Knopf Canada, 2022, 160, 165

[ix] Belsky, Jay, Avshalom Caspi, Terri E. Moffit, Richie Poulton.  The Origins of You: how childhood shapes later life.  Harvard University Press, 2020, 110.

[x] Peterson, Jordan B.  12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos   Random House Canada, 2018

[xi] Mercer, Jean. Understanding Attachment: parenting, child care and emotional development. Praeger Publishers, 2006, 74

[xii] Maté, Gabor with Daniel Maté.  The Myth of Normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture.  Knopf Canada, 2022, 179

[xiii] Kuppens, Sofie, Eva Ceulemans    “Parenting Styles; a closer look at a well-known concept”    J Child Fam Stud, 2018, Sep 18;28(1): 168-181 doi: 10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6323136/

[xiv] The Irish Times “Helicopter? Free-range? Concierge? What kind of parent are you? How do you parent? There’s a meme for that amid the modern obsession with dissecting and defining parenting styles”   July 18, 2023 https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2023/07/18/helicopter-free-range-concierge-what-kind-of-parent-are-you/

[xv] Mercer, Jean. Thinking Critically about Child Development: examining myths & misunderstanding. Praeger Publishers, 2016, 246

[xvi] Alexander, Bruce K.  The Globalization of Addiction: a study in poverty of the spirit.  2008, p. 154

[xvii] Francis, Richard C.  Epigenetics: the ultimate mystery of inheritance.  WW Norton, 2011, 72-73

[i] Spock, Benjamin   The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care   Duell, Sloan and Pearce, 1957

[ii]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There_are_unknown_unknowns

[iii] Season 33, Episode 2 of Saturday Night Live, which originally aired on October 6, 2007

[iv] Neufeld, Gordon, PH.D. and Gabor Maté, M.D.  Hold On To Your Kids: why parents need to matter more than peers   Vintage Canada, 2004, 5

[v] Simon, Scott Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption   Random house, 2010, 44-45

[vi] Perry, Bruce and Maia Szalavitz   The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook.  Basic Books, 2017, 89

[vii] Belsky, Jay, Avshalom Caspi, Terri E. Moffit, Richie Poulton.  The Origins of You: how childhood shapes later life.  Harvard University Press, 2020, 110.

[viii] Maté, Gabor MD and Daniel Maté   The Myth of Normal: trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture.  Knopf Canada, 2022, 160, 165

[ix] Belsky, Jay, Avshalom Caspi, Terri E. Moffit, Richie Poulton.  The Origins of You: how childhood shapes later life.  Harvard University Press, 2020, 110.

[x] Peterson, Jordan B.  12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos   Random House Canada, 2018

[xi] Mercer, Jean. Understanding Attachment: parenting, child care and emotional development. Praeger Publishers, 2006, 74

[xii] Maté, Gabor with Daniel Maté.  The Myth of Normal: trauma, illness & healing in a toxic culture.  Knopf Canada, 2022, 179

[xiii] Kuppens, Sofie, Eva Ceulemans    “Parenting Styles; a closer look at a well-known concept”    J Child Fam Stud, 2018, Sep 18;28(1): 168-181 doi: 10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x  https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6323136/

[xiv] The Irish Times “Helicopter? Free-range? Concierge? What kind of parent are you? How do you parent? There’s a meme for that amid the modern obsession with dissecting and defining parenting styles”   July 18, 2023 https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2023/07/18/helicopter-free-range-concierge-what-kind-of-parent-are-you/

[xv] Mercer, Jean. Thinking Critically about Child Development: examining myths & misunderstanding. Praeger Publishers, 2016, 246

[xvi] Alexander, Bruce K.  The Globalization of Addiction: a study in poverty of the spirit.  2008, p. 154

[xvii] Francis, Richard C.  Epigenetics: the ultimate mystery of inheritance.  WW Norton, 2011, 72-73