Defining Authoritative Parenting
Your mission, if you choose to accept, is to underline the following characteristics you identify in the narrative.
Δ Warm/ High Responsiveness/Nurturing
Supportive, in a secure environment, openly affectionate, with a hands-on approach, valuing open and frequent communication in an egalitarian partnership. Discussing decisions, listening and taking into consideration the children’s thoughts, feeling and opinions before making decisions that affect the children. Allowing kids to explore with positive reinforcement to encourage confidence, assisting them in resolving problems, recognizing that independence should increase with age.
Δ Demanding/High Demandingness/Tough but Fair
Assertive, firm but clear, with realistic boundaries set by the parents, teaching them to regulate themselves, consistently guiding them to learn from their mistakes, with achievable and clearly explained regulations and goals. Discipline is not harsh and control is moderate, with the aim of guidance. Offering freedom to make mistakes without judgement, allowing natural consequences to occur and guiding the children through the consequences.[i]
Distilling Authoritative Parenting
Michaeleen Doucleff’s interpretation of Authoritative Parenting stresses the importance of holding to both sides of the definition.
…. From what I could tell authoritative meant being both “firm and kind.[ii]
Tania Johnson and Tammy Schamuhn offer some age-appropriate ways to encouraging the growth of resilience:
Ages 5-7 Games that involve strategy, physical activities that require attention, fast-moving ball games, guessing games, imaginary play.
Ages 8-12 Organized sports, games that require attention[iii]
To teach children to develop resilience that allows them to stay positive amid challenges and learn from their failures, avoid the following phrases.
1. ‘Calm down!’
2. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ Instead ask them what they can do about whatever is worrying them.
3. ‘You’ll do fine.’ Because you don’t really know it all will be well, rather encourage them to do their best and then deal with whatever the result is.
4. ‘Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again.’
5. ‘You’re the best!’ Praise children for their process.
6. ‘That’s perfect!’ Again, “praise their effort, rather than the outcome.”
7. ‘You’re making me mad.’ Rather, teach them to think about how to control their own thoughts, feelings, or actions in frustrating situations.[iv]
Sonia, a single mother of three tended to over compensate by doing more for her children than might have been good for their individual journeys to self-sufficiency. She needed to let them do for themselves what they can do for themselves …. even what they can almost do, perhaps initially showing them how, providing support or doing it together as necessary and then let them at it.[v]
Headlining with questions, Gwen Dewar defines Authoritative Parenting as combining warmth with setting limits leading to successful outcomes in child-raising, a middle path between Authoritarian and Permissive.
Authoritative parents want kids to develop self-discipline, maturity, and a respect for others.
She also asks the question I ask: is it possible to be a purist authoritative parent in every situation?
Dewar reminds the reader that, although it is important to remember that one size does not fit all, in studies across cultures,one point remained consistent with Authoritative parenting: [w]hen their children misbehaved, they talked with them, and explained the reasons for the rules to think – constructively and non-selfishly – about how their behavior affects others.[vi]
Pooja Sardana became concerned as she dealt with a son moving through his childhood with ever more effective manipulations starting with tantrums, then employing cuteness tactics. By the time he reached the end of his first decade he was attempting intellectual argument to get what he wanted whether it crossed others’ boundaries or not. She directs readers to
Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different — And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men as a guide.[vii]
Julie Lythcott-Haims, as a dean of freshmen at Stanford University has lots of examples of students not yet ready for the independence of college. She suggests parents start when their children are young with the things that can be expected of children at each age level: ages 2-3 – basic chores and grooming, 4-5 – important names and numbers and safety skills, 6-7 – basic cooking, 8-9 – pride in personal belongings, 10-13- becoming independent like being able to stay at home alone, 14-18 – more advanced skills in cleaning, car maintenance, handling prescriptions, job interviews and cooking full meals. Do so with support.
She advises parents to notice who their children are, what they love and are good at, not what the parents love, are good at or think is the best path for their children. Know when to push forward, when to pull back. Prepare them for hard work. Don’t do too much for them.[viii]
Anita Febiyanti and Yeni Rachmawat stress that parenting styles are impacted by cultural context: individualist and collectivist cultures. Are the children always more successful, reliable and responsible in an authoritative environment? It may depend on how children understand themselves in relation to the society they live in. In an individualist culture, the values are emotional independence, assertiveness, autonomy, and the need for privacy. Parents negotiate; strong control is not acceptable. In a collectivist culture children have cultural values where the people are attached to a strong bond and every individual is obligated to maintain group loyalty and focus on the communities in which they live…. [prioritizing] socialization, obedience, security, and family integrity. Parents are strict, with rules and warnings.[ix]
The book,Fantastic Antoine Succeeds: experiences in educating children with fetal alcohol syndrome, begins by clarifying that rich, open, unstructured parenting is not the best for FAS/FAE children.[x]
Specific To Adoption
Deborah Gray endorses high structure and high nurture for adoptees because she says that most parents of adoptees are parenting kids who are emotionally younger than their chronological ages … Recognizing that children have missed dependable nurture, parents are supplying what was missed.
Gray cites parents, who with lots of hugs, first explained to their children and then expected from the children that they must stay close to them until they understood who they were attached to now that they belonged to a family. And until they understood where the sadness within comes from, not from lack of love in the adoptive family nor a lack of material things or food, but from past grief their now family would be seeking to help them deal with the grief by offering nurture and guidelines. This book ENDORSES hugs, snuggles, and kisses.[xi]
Rachel Staff brings forward the same point regarding focusing on the developmental age rather than the chronological age of an adoptee. They need to be in a safe, structured and nurturing environment, with high structure, high nurture.[xii]
Methods Of Care For Children Living In Orphanages In Saudi Arabia (An Exploratory Field Study) demonstrates that interest in care of orphans/adoptees is global. Saudi Arabia is trying for healthy parenting styles for the children in their care in orphanages by treating them with: attention vs. non-attention, equality vs. discrimination, kindness vs. cruelty, acceptance vs. rejection and democracy vs. authoritarianism.
These children live together in a home with one caregiver in shift rotation with the intention of providing an environment of more intimate, safe, loving care guiding the child into adulthood. The caregivers usually have sufficient life experience or a mother’s (caregiver’s) instincts and emotions in dealing with children.[xiii]
Some of the key themes to be aware of when seeking to be both high in responsiveness and high in demandingness: Loss, Rejection, Guilt/Shame, Grief, Identity, Intimacy, Mastery and Control[xiv]
Barbara Cummins Tantrum offers guidance when parenting a traumatized foster or adopted child. Come into the relationship seeking to avoid power struggles, even if the child is using lying as self-protection. As do most authors I have read on this subject, Tantrum also advocates for routine, reflective listening in whatever way allows children to trust they are being heard, and going into calm mode first before engaging with traumatized children.[xv]
Scott Simon is for affirming that adopters offer the best support to their children not by avoiding/dismissing struggles but rather helping their children learn from their struggles.[xvi]
Dr. Bruce Perry provides an example of a child who was not at his chronological age when he was adopted. Dr. Perry describes this developmental delay as splintered development due to deprivation/lack of stimulation of some brain regions. With this explanation, Dr. Perry aimed to reduce the parents’ fears that they were ‘babying’ him.
Dr. Perry seems to be saying ‘babying’ may be just what the doctor is ordering. Perry tells us about a foster mother who babied children who had experienced trauma and were not at their chronological ages. She believed in holding them and rocking them long after they had left infancy.
These children had never received the repeated, patterned physical nurturing needed to develop a well-regulated and responses stress response system. They had never learned that they were loved and safe; … A foundational principle of brain development is that neural systems organize and become functional in a sequential manner.[xvii]
Dr. Perry finishes off with: or had not yet received enough stimulation to make up for the earlier neglect. I appreciate and find hope in the phrase ‘or had not yet’.
“What Type of Parent are You? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles Behind The Decisions You Make” rounds off the Resources section with baseline and pragmatic information. Most parents will get their guidance from family, friends and professionals to recognizing that parents’ parenting practices, dipping here and there as needs arise. The writer/s ask parents to ask themselves both what values guide them and what goals direct them. They understand that these guiding principles are impacted both by internal direction as well as by how they want to be seen as parents.
Making daily or making more over-reaching parenting moves will be considering genetic influences, social environment, parental income level, parental education level, the number of active/engaged parental figures and the developmental and/or physical needs of the child and cultural values.[xviii]
Dr. Letourneau offers a questionnaire you might check out. Dr. Letourneau takes parents from this questionnaire to the tennis metaphor of serve and return to encourage parents, when the child seeks their engagement, to come back with a response, rather than ignoring the child’s overture, whether to get put to bed, or to laugh together over something that amuses the child.[xix]
And then there is this
Here is a situational irony: While anyone can see Authoritative Parenting is Goldilocks’s choice, the one any loving parents who love their children would choose. Yet, I, who loves my son, find myself the least engaged in studying it. Either because I have an ingrained suspicion of anyone’s capacity to be this good in their relationship to their children; or because I am jealous of those who can jump out of bed each morning and maintain Authoritative Parenting for the 16 hours of that day. Or I am making too much of what I read of this style; or I just wish I had known more about it and engaged with it more than I did.
Really don’t know. I do know that the conversation we should have had with Yasik about whether to move to the country or stay in the neighbourhood he had grown up in we did not think was necessary to share with him. Our parents never asked our opinion about moving; that was not considered our business. One particular move our parents made got me off a path to problems but set my brother on a path in the other direction.[xx]
One last thought to cover a multitude of sins: some writer among the above ended with: be sure to give yourself grace when you make mistakes, too.
Footnotes
[i] https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/parenting/what-parenting-style-is-right-for-you/
https://www.verywellmind.com/parenting-styles-2795072
https://www.healthshots.com/mind/emotional-health/authoritative-parenting-benefits-side-effects
https://positivepsychology.com/authoritative-parenting
https://www.joonapp.io/post/what-is-authoritative-parenting-and-is-it-right-for-you
https://parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style
https://psychcentral.com/health/authoritative-parenting
[ii] Doucleff, Michaeleen. Hunt, Gather, Parent: what ancient cultures can teach us about the lost art of raising happy, healthy little humans. Avid Reader Press/Simon & Schuster, 2022, 2, 3, 198-200
[iii] Johnson, Tania, R. Psych, and Tammy Schamuhn, R. Psych. The parenting handbook: your guide to raising resilient children Barlow Books, 2024, 26, 27
[iv] Huddleston, Tom Jr “Parents who raise mentally strong kids never use these 7 phrases when their children are young” Apr 16 2023
[v] Pressman, Dr. Aliza. The 5 Principles of Parenting: your essential guide to raising good humans Simon Element, 2024, 34-36
[vi] Dewar, Gwen. Ph.D. “The authoritative parenting style: An evidence-based guide”2010 – 2024
https://www.apa.org/act/resources/fact-sheets/parenting-styles
Echedom, Anthonia U. (Ph.D), Tochukwu Victor Nwankwo & Evangeline U. Nwankwo. “Influence of Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and the Uninvolved Parenting Styles on the Reading Attitudes of Students in Anambra State, Nigeria” Journal of Library and Information Sciences December 2018, Vol. 6, No. 2, pp. 1-25 ISSN 2374-2372 (Print) 2374-2364 (Online) DOI: 10.15640/jlis.v6n2a1 https://doi.org/10.15640/jlis.v6n2a1
Johnson, Tania, R. Psych and Tammy Schamuhn, R. Psych. The Parenting Handbook: your guide to raising resilient children. Barlow Books, 2024
[vii] Sardana, Pooja. “How to raise a boy: The first lesson on boundaries starts with the mum — and it’s best drawn as early as possible” Nov 19, 2024 https://indianexpress.com/article/opinion/columns/how-to-raise-a-boy-the-first-lesson-on-boundaries-starts-with-the-mum-and-its-best-drawn-as-early-as-possible-9675420/
[viii] Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to Raise An Adult: break free of the overparenting trap and prepare your kids for success Holt Paperbacks, 2016, 167-169, 218-225
[ix] Febiyanti, Anita and Yeni Rachmawat. “Is Authoritative Parenting the Best Parenting Style?”Department of Early Childhood Education, School of Postgraduate, Universitas Pendidikan Indonesia Email: anitafebiyanti@upi.edu Advances in Social Science, Education and Humanities Research, volume 538 Proceedings of the 5th International Conference on Early Childhood Education (ICECE 2020)
[x] Fantastic Antoine Succeeds: experiences in educating children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Ed. Judith Kleinfeld and Siobhan Wescott, University of Alaska Press, 1993, 13
[xi] Gray, Deborah D. Attaching in adoption: practical tools for today’s parents. Perspectives Press, Inc., 2002, 28-29, 54, 61-64, 191, 224-5, 229-231
[xii] Staff, Rachel. Parenting Adopted Teenagers: advice for the adolescent years. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2016, 25-26
[xiii] Ashaalan, Latifah, Ibtisam Al-zeiby. “Methods Of Care For Children Living In Orphanages In Saudi Arabia (An Exploratory Field Study)” Journal of International Education Research – First Quarter 2015 Volume 11, Number 1 https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ1051139.pdf
[xiv] Sharing of an adoptive parent’s experience of key themes …
Abba Adoptions https://www.abbaadoptions.co.za › docs › adopt…
[xv] Cummins Tantrum, Barbara. The Adoptive Parents’ Handbook: a guide to healing trauma and thriving with your foster or adopted child. North Atlantic books, 2020, 71, 85, 109, 193-197, 233-235
[xvi] Simon, Scott. Baby We Were Meant For Each Other: in praise of adoption. Random House, 2010 57, 166-8
[xvii] Perry, Bruce D. MD, PhD, and Maia Szalavitz. The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook. Basic Books, 2017, 100-103, 152, 241-58.
[xviii] “What Type of Parent are You? The 4 Types of Parenting Styles Behind The Decisions You Make”
[xix]Letourneau, Dr. Nicole What Kind of Parent Am I?: self-surveys that reveal the impact of toxic stress and more Dundurn Press, 2018, 51,52-53.
[xx] Gfroerer, K. P., Kern, R. M., & Curlette, W. L. (2004). “Research support for individual psychology’s parenting model.” Journal of Individual Psychology, 60(4), 379–388.
More helpful reading:
Morris, Heather. Listening Well: bringing stories of hope to life St. Martins Publishing Group, 2022
https://www.adoptionchoices.org/bonding-with-your-adopted-child
https://www.canadaadopts.com/10-great-ways-adoptive-parents-can-bond-child/
Leave a Reply